How To Connect In Lockdown If You’re Single, Bored & Horny
Look, I know there’s a lot going on right now in the world. The coronavirus is impacting everything from a global scale right down to our individual day-to-day lives. Even The Bachelor has been paused.
People are anxious, sad, and unsure about the future. Those feelings are all extremely real, and valid. Everything is chaotic, and it’s hard to think about anything else when it’s all so overwhelming. But in amongst the stress, and depression, I’ve seen evidence of a different kind of emotion cropping up all over the place. It seems to be felt by a wide array of people, and it is growing exponentially every day.
That unusual feeling? Horniness.
Does corona virus make you horny bc if so I am in critical condition
— Chris Farren (@chrisfarren) March 3, 2020
That’s right. People seem to be aroused.
Toey. Turned on. Frisky. Amorous. Tumescent (don’t Google this one), Randy. Their basements are flooded. They are horned up. Their socks are filled with wobbly jelly (I just made this one up). You get the point.
Most of us, if we are doing the right thing, are currently spending most of our time at home. For some people that means spending a lot of time in their house with a partner. Unfortunately, this article is not really for you. Obviously generalising here, but if you get horny, you can probably have sex with the person you’re in a house with. Good for you, we are all THRILLED for you!!!!
This article is for the rest of us. The single people. Or the people who can’t lockdown with the person they are seeing for whatever reason. Or the people so early on in the dating process that it would be weird to quarantine together, even if they are lesbians.
[coronavirus pandemic diary]
Day 3: I’ve not had sex in 6 months
— David Hughes (@david8hughes) March 13, 2020
We are a responsible group of people who are socially distant. Some of us are also emotionally distant, but that’s a different story. We are what experts are calling “loners with boners.” By experts I mean me, as I just thought of it. It’s a gender-neutral term, and I unfortunately will be using it from now on.
It’s hard to say why exactly there is so much horniness abound, but it’s probably a combination of factors.
1.) It feels like the world is ending. This is obviously very depressing, but in times of existential crisis or tragedy, it can also make you realise what is important, and make you want to connect with people (sex). It’s also a form of escapism. It’s hard to think of the end of the world when you are so turned on you can’t think.
2.) People are more bored and alone than ever! Personally, when I’m bored, I simply read an educational book, or perhaps indulge in some Opera, but I understand that other people find themselves doing some other hornier activities. There’s also the fact that once you’re told you can’t have something, you desperately want it. Or is that just me?
The best part of this quarantine self-isolation stuff is that, for the first time, there are truly horny singles in my area.
— The C Word (@heyitcole) March 17, 2020
Whatever the case, the horniness levels are just going to increase the longer this goes on. We really don’t know how long it’s going to be before everyone can start going out and having physical sex. It might sound silly, but for people who are single and want to be dating, or people who are dating and can’t spend time with their lover, it’s legit going to be a rough time. Intimacy is important. It’s not just the sex, although that is famously good. It’s the touch, the affection, and the feeling that we aren’t alone in the world, that is most important.
Before all this went down, I planned to write an article about queer dating app etiquette. But this is a new reality, and to survive the horny desertscape ahead, we are going to have to get a bit unorthodox.
We have all regressed, and are currently only existing as sexual beings via devices, such as computers and phones. As someone who spent years and years as a closeted teenager, only existing as gay exclusively on the Internet, I have had a lot of practice with the current situation. Some might call me a “sexpert.” They would be very wrong, but here are some tips anyway.
It’s obvious, but with there being absolutely zero chance of a meet-cute with a stranger where you run into him and he drops all of the fresh-baked bread he’s carrying (or whatever happens in straight movies), dating apps are more useful than ever.
If you haven’t used them before, it’s time to get on them. If you are using them already, it’s time to adjust how you use them. You might have already started to see people’s profiles changing, to reflect the situation, and that IRL dates are off the table for now. Apps like the text-based Lex app, for LGBTQI people, and Hinge, are even encouraging people to keep it online.
— Hinge (@hinge) March 25, 2020
Try updating your profile to indicate to people what you are in the market for. That means changing it from “love not washing my hands, into cruise ships and licking door handles” to something more like “Corona means it’s time to go old school. A/S/L? I’ll add you on MSN Messenger.” Chatting to someone and not being able to meet is weird, but think of it as a chance to get to know someone on a different level. As always, be upfront with your expectations. If you’re just in it to get off once, not to fall in love over the Internet, make sure the other person knows that. They could very well be in the same horny boat.
I love sexting, and I always have. I loved sexting way before there was a global pandemic and it became cool. If you love sexting, name three of its best albums. You can’t. Anyway, it’s the time for sexy texting (sexting) to shine. But just because people out there are horny, and you are horny, doesn’t mean you can just send any old unsolicited filth and expect it to land.
The best sexting happens when you have a vibe and a rapport with someone. If you’ve met someone and have been flirting, and you think it might be going in that direction, here’s a few thoughts. Let’s all be adults about this.
- If you aren’t sure, check in to see if they want to sext with you, or to receive nudes! If you’re like me, you overthink everything, and can easily convince yourself nobody ever wants you to do anything. Checking in can vary from “hey so, how do you feel about levelling our convo up at some point? I would love to send you a nude if you’re keen?” to literally “I think you’re really hot, if you ever want to sext with me, just lmk.”
- It can be difficult for some people to be outwardly explicit, especially if you haven’t hooked up before. If you feel like you’re the more confident person, try taking the lead like you would in real life. Start out by telling them what you would like to be doing, for example “I really wish I could kiss you right now. I’d lean in and kiss you, my hand sliding up the back of your neck and into your hair, pulling you into me.” If it helps, you can ask them leading questions. “I’m thinking about pressing you up against a wall and kissing your neck, biting your earlobe softly, licking your throat. Where else would you want my mouth?” (SORRY FOR BEING TOO HORNY IT’S DESPERATE TIMES.)
- It’s also a good idea to be specific. Details are what is going to make this feel hotter and more realistic than some guy just randomly texting about his dick.
that escalated pic.twitter.com/HZoy1rCvQc
— Tahlia Pritchard (@Tahls) March 27, 2020
- Like you should in real life, it’s important to take note of what the other person is putting out and giving to you, because they are giving you the information you need. They are letting you know what they are comfortable with, and what they like. This is especially important when it comes to the language they use. Pay attention, and ask questions.
- When it comes to nudes, I would say that thirst traps count, even if they aren’t necessarily your literal nude body. For me, it’s all about giving someone a taste of what is to come (sorry even normal sayings sound horny now). The most important thing about nudes is making sure that the other person wants to see it.
- If someone sends you a nude, make sure you make them feel like you appreciate it. Tell them in detail what you find hot about it. It can be a very vulnerable thing, especially for people who are now doing it for the first time, and letting them know you enjoyed it is paramount.
- There’s much more I could say, but I don’t think anyone wants to read a 10 000 word essay on this. Just be considerate, be honest, and use your common sense. Also FYI, the usual pre-pandemic rules apply, there’s no 100% guarantee that someone will keep your nudes or your info private, so use your best judgment.
Phone sex can be incredibly hot. But also we know that some people, particularly young people, are scared of using the phone. To that I say, the world is ending, get on the blower. Just kidding, if it’s not your thing, it’s not your thing.
If it IS your thing however, basically all of the above rules apply, but via your voice. Phone sex has the added bonus of being able to get off together at the same time, and being able to hear what everyone is doing. Which lots of people (me) find (very) hot. Phone sex can be quite intimate in that way, but it also allows people to be able to communicate more clearly if they struggle over text.
phone sex is back
I charge $10/min to dirty talk u as my alter-ego Ethel – a randy 75 year old chain smoker with a drinking problem & psoriasis on her clam
— KᗩTE ᑫᑌIGᒪEY (@KateQFunny) March 27, 2020
My advice is to just try and relax, and have fun with it. Don’t have any expectations, and don’t try to force it. Talk on the phone in a non-sexy way first, and then see if you go down that path naturally. Or my trick is to let it be an evolution of the sexting. When you’re in a heavy sexting session, tell them that you are touching yourself, and ask them if they want to hear you get off. Most people will say yes, because that is hot as hell. Vice versa, ask them if they want you to call and help them get off. Talking filthy to someone while they get off is extremely horny, and that’s what we are all aiming for here.
All rules are out the window during this time. You simply cannot go out for dinner and drinks with a prospective date. I know it’s weird, but if you’re chatting with someone and you think it’s a good vibe, why not suggest a Skype date? If you think about it, all dating is weird, all the time. You see someone’s photos, you chat, you go to a pub and see each other and have a conversation. It might be a bit weird, but why not just transfer that over to a screen? You can see each other, you can have a beer, you can light your room so it’s better than it would be at a pub, and you can get to know each other in a very similar way.
I’m having a first date with someone via Skype #loveinthetimeofcoronavirus
— Charlotte (@tinycharlotte72) March 13, 2020
The main difference is that at the end of the night, you won’t be able to kiss, or whatever you might do on a first date. That’s going to be frustrating, and perhaps raise horniness levels to an even more dangerous level, but then you can cycle into sexting, or phone sex, or having sex on Skype. Also imagine how hot it will be if you do keep it up and decide to meet? Pretty hot!
I’m not sure if any of this helps, but at least you know that you are not horny and alone in the world, you are just horny. Good luck.