We Rated Every ‘The Bachelor’ Contestant Based On First Impressions & Didn’t Hold Back
It’s that time again. Time to wipe the names and faces of the 2020 cast of The Bachelor from our collective consciousness and replace them with a batch of new ladies, as they ready themselves for their journey to find
teeth whitening endorsements love.
And oh boy, Jimmy Nicholson has some choices! I don’t know where Channel 10 found these women, but they have answered our lockdown prayers. Some are clear frontrunners, while others are just straight-up bonkers. Jay is one to watch as the recipient of Jimmy’s key to the ummm ‘business lounge’ — which just means she can whisk him away for private time. It’s called the business lounge because Jimmy is contractually obligated to remind us he is a pilot every 0.45 seconds.
I joke! I’m actually hopeful about this year’s Bachelor. As the women filed out of the limos, Jimmy whispered to himself “Please be nice to me,” which kind of summarised exactly what I loved about Jimmy in the first episode. He was kind, sweet, humble — and most importantly, normal. He was lacking the pretence of celebrity Bachys from recent years, while being alien to the world of reality TV, unlike Bachelor alumni like Matty J or Richie Strahan.
But enough about Jimmy, let’s jump into what we’re all here for: let’s gossip about the women! (Spoiler: I LOVE THEM ALL!!)
We rated every The Bachelor contestant based on first impressions:
Lily, 23, Crane Operator
AKA Barbie The Builder
Lily made quite the entrance, as she was late to the party and lowered in via a crane. I did this once at a party but all I got was “Get down from there! We’re calling the police!” I found it hilarious she was called an “intruder” by the other girls for arriving an hour later than the rest. The criteria for being an “intruder” is getting flimsier every year. Osher came late, is he an intruder too?
“I know you are probably wondering ‘This is a lot!’,” Lily told Jimmy as she touched down on the ground. “But this is what I do for a living: I work with cranes. This is my 9 to 5.”
This is a bit odd, Lily! My uni job was working at Cotton On but I didn’t start my dates by trying to sell them five pairs of tan khakis and upsell a canvas charity bag and a tin of novelty mints.
Jimmy seems keen though, he whisked her away for a chat where she told him she’s sick of dating men who aren’t ready to settle down. Lily is on the right show, she will go far and I expect her to enter every date via crane. The skydiving date should be interesting! They’ll need a bigger crane.
Most likely to: Carry a belt of tools around for no explicable reason.
Sierah, 28, Technical Analyst
AKA Fortune Teller Yeller
Sierah is a real one. I’m obsessed. She’d loud, she’s got jokes, she’s got it all. In Sierah’s intro, she told Jimmy that she was going to read his tarot cards, asking him to envision what he sees in his future. In an absolute boss move, when he turned over a card, it was a photo of herself… posing in an unexplained cowboy hat. “I see myself in your future!” she shouted. He flipped over another card and it was the same photo. “Oh my god, spooooky!” Sierah squawked. It was VERY funny.
She later revealed she isn’t a tarot reader at all — SHOCKING! — and in a separate voxxie, she said she was actually “busting for a fart” during the whole intro. “Honestly, I was so full of gas I’m surprised I didn’t start levitating.” Look, I don’t know what to do with this information but thanks for sharing.
I was confused over whether the edit was foreshadowing Sierah’s departure, especially as at the rose ceremony as Jimmy handed out roses, she could be heard saying (in some weird editing) that, “Every girl seems to have had such a good connection or such a good conversation but I’m not worried. I’ve had better chats with a wooden spoon if I’m honest.” Was this directed at the other contestants or Jimmy?? The editing was such a mess, who the hell knows at this point.
Anyways, it sounds like Sierah is suss on some of the other contestants as she said “there are girls who will pretend to like Jimmy just to stay in the mansion,” and she plans to “sniff out” who they are. Detective Sierah is on the case! Stabler is shaking.
Most likely to: Follow a first date with 20 text messages, 13 phone calls and a surprise visit to their parents’ house.
Rebekah, 27, Youth Support Worker
AKA I Don’t Know Why She’s Wearing This
Rebekah confuses me. She rocks up as a goddamn showgirl, so Jimmy (obviously) asks, “Do you like dancing?” to which Rebekah replies, “I mean, I’m not very good at it.” Ummmm, why then are you kitted out like you’re about to can-can your way into the Moulin Rouge?
If you’re going to wear a costume that makes zero sense, at least dress up as a penguin.
Most likely to: Brag to her friends she can do the ‘WAP’ dance but never come through with the goods.
Laura, 28, Speech Pathologist
AKA My Idol
I LOVE LAURA!! She is going to be such good value this season and her narration is already giving me life. Laura made Jimmy (short for Jimothy apparently) poke his tongue out and wiggle it from side to side upon meeting, which was a real power play to regain control. She then pulled out a tongue depressor and inspected his mouth, telling him he has “a great set of chompers” due to regular dentist visits. I mean, can you get more iconic than Laura??
She’s an icon, she’s a legend, and she is the moment.
Most likely to: Request that all her dates first provide a medical record, full-body x-ray, police check, and recent tax return.
Elena, 33, Personal Trainer
AKA Pushup Perv
We didn’t see much of Elena, other than the scene where she instructed Bachy to undress, telling him “You’re going to have to take your kit off!” in order to perform a “stacked pushup”. I don’t know what that is, but it sounds kinky. Sadly for Elena, just as Jimmy was about to unbutton, he was handed a walkie talkie and Lily was lowered in. Talk about a cock-block, Lily!
Most likely to: Challenge anyone and everyone to a plank-off! It’s not the time Elena, that nice man in the ambulance is trying to drive to the hospital!
Hannah, 26, Registered Nurse
AKA Third Place
I like Hannah, she’s sweet and inoffensive — so I reckon she will make it to hometowns but get booted just before the finale. Hannah spoke about her love for travel and told Jimmy about the Paris love bridge (aka the Pont des Arts) like it’s some obscure place, not one of the biggest tourist attractions for couples in the whole world.
You know what else is a little niche spot, Hannah? It’s this old metal structure hiding in the centre of Paris, locals know it as the “Eiffel Tower”, but not many people know it. It’s nice!
Most likely to: Be a huge hit with Jimmy’s parents.
Jay, 31, Nutritionist
AKA The Winner
If I was going to put my bets on anyone, it would be Jay. Jimmy immediately recognised her Kiwi accent as she greeted him, and as Jimmy’s parents were born in New Zealand, they already share something in common. I’m getting flashbacks to Matt and Chelsie’s shared love of science, but let us not think about how that turned out.
On the red carpet, Jay asked Jimmy what his strategy was when it came to love…which was just a segue into chess chat as after ignoring his answer, she prodded Jimmy telling him, “Ask me what my strategy is!” Jay then played chess with him, but she executed Jimmy’s every move. She was literally playing chess against herself and she still lost. Jay then ran off, truly disgraced by defeat.
Luckily, Jimmy found her again and towards the end of the cocktail party, he pulled her aside for a private chat. He got the giggles when trying to talk to her, which was extremely wholesome. Then he gave her a rose and the key to the business lounge. It’s business time! Jay is one to watch.
Most likely to: Make Jimmy watch The Queen’s Gambit and use her newfound fame to become the first chessfluencer.
Ash, 34, Dance Teacher
AKA She Seems Nice
Going mostly under-the-radar, I don’t remember seeing Ash until she approached Jimmy with Jay by her side — double-teaming him, if you will — which took me back to high school, when I would make my bestie come with me to approach my crush. Got to play it super cool ladies, especially when you’re on a show where 20 women fight tooth and nail to speak to a man for five minutes.
Ash did deliver a line after Jay got a rose that I’m still thinking about. “When Jay got the key to the business lounge, that’s solid. She can unpack her bags, she can stay,” she mused. “Whereas for everyone else, it’s like get your bags ready, leave them at the door, don’t let the door hit you on the way out.” I have to wonder: are the bags inside or outside the door in this scenario? And wouldn’t their bags already be packed and good to go since they literally just arrived?! I need answers, Ash.
Most likely to: Bring her group of friends on a first date.
Chanel, 34, Flight Manager
AKA Not A Fan Of Aluminium Tubing
This whole sequence with Chanel was flawless. Obviously, Jimmy was told not to reveal that he was a pilot straight away, so instead he said he worked in “aluminium tubing”, which only proves that he’s a big dork. It makes sense though, as this whole flight attendant skit hinged on Chanel not knowing that Jimmy was, in fact, equally as knowledgeable as her about flying.
She carried out her sexy routine, pushed his seat back, fell on his lap and told him, “No mile-high upgrades today, but that’s not to say there won’t be in the future!” I like Chanel, she’s sassy! I think she should win! I think she’s the best contestant of all time! (Unrelated: Hey Chanel, can you hook me up with some more Qantas Frequent Flyer points, I’m getting low?)
Most likely to: Get triggered by pre-packaged food.
Madison, 24, Marketing Coordinator
Blonde No. 1
Madison describes herself in her bio as the “blonde girl next door” and I can confirm that she’s certainly one of those things!
Most likely to: Have hair that is blonde.
Ashleigh, 28, Speech Pathologist
AKA Blonde No. 2
I can vouch for the fact that Ashleigh was cast on the 2021 season of The Bachelor.
Most likely to: Have a face that looks just like that!
Carlie, 33, Corporate Lawyer
AKA Law Lady
Carlie is great. We know she’s a lawyer as she immediately made a joke about how she hadn’t organised a prenup (classic lawyer gag!), before getting Jimmy to sign a ‘Bachelor Contract’. She kept the joke going a little too long, demanding that he scanned and emailed the contract to her. He complied, replying, “Yes boss!” I respect her dedication to a joke, a trait needed on this shitshow.
Most likely to: Sue Channel 10 if she cops a bad edit.
Jacinta, 29, Executive Recruiter
AKA Brunette No. 1
Most likely to: Have brown hair and smile with her mouth.
Tamlyn, 25, Customer Service Officer
AKA Brunette No. 2
Most likely to: Wear orange and have arms.
Stevie, 29, Hair Stylist
AKA Brunette No. 3
Most likely to: Stand on her legs and breathe through her nose.
Tatum, 26, Company Director
AKA No Fking Idea
Serious question: was this person in a single scene of tonight’s episode?
Most likely to: Go through an entire cocktail party completely undetected. (Is she a double agent for Osher?!)
Lauren, 29, Office Administrator
AKA Never Existed
Towards the end of the premiere, I did hear Lauren whisper to another contestant, “He’s got good hair,” and what better parting words to leave as her reality TV legacy? Truly beautiful.
Most likely to: Get evicted first.
Annabelle, 28, Medical Equipment Installer
AKA Dead To Me
Gone but not forgotten. I’ll miss her seal claps most of all.
Most likely to: Never get to touch a cheese board.
Tahnee, 27, Corporate Travel Manager
AKA WHO IS SHE????
SERIOUSLY!!! I hope I don’t sound ridiculous but I don’t know who this woman is!
Most likely to: Not leave any kind of lasting impression (sorry sis!).
Stephanie, 27, Business Development Officer
AKA Gamer Villain
He was a boy, she was a girl, can I make it any more obvious! He was a pilot, games she professionally played, what more can I say! She was a gamer girl, she said ‘cya later’ boy, he wasn’t good enough for her! OK, I’m done. Stephanie is going to stir debate this season.
She was left offended when Jimmy told her that only 10-year-olds play World of Warcraft, a comment that has probably angered a community of millions. But don’t worry, Steph then went on to offend every pilot who has ever flown a plane or wore a cool captain’s hat. When she catches wind (get it??) that Jimmy is a pilot, she lost her shit. Why? Err, she’s dated pilots before?? “Pilots are [expletive]!” she ranted. I deduced from her various comments that she thinks most pilots are cheaters. Alrighty!
Steph confronted Jimmy (about his noble and aspirational job) and interrogated him with questions. She had this weird smugness about her aviation knowledge, then she joked with the other women at the cocktail party that she wished there were more men to flirt with.
You hear that fam? We’ve got ourselves a villain.
If this wasn’t enough to seal her fate (and her edit), at the rose ceremony Steph could be heard saying, “I’m looking around at the pool of women waiting to get a rose, I don’t know if I want one. I don’t think there’s any connection just from the brief conversation we’ve had so far.” For me personally, this sounds pretty normal. Women don’t always fall for men instantaneously, but in the insular world of Bachy nation, this is just not on, folks.
Most likely to: Be the first to say, “I’m not here to make friends!”
Holly, 27, Marketing Manager
AKA The Runner-Up
Holly is a total boss, who fears letting her guard down and getting her heart broken. We stan a relatable queen. She took Jimmy to a wine bar on the red carpet, she’s super smiley and bubbly, and told Jimmy she is looking for “someone who I can laugh with”. Jimmy is sold, saying to the camera, “It’s like talking to an old friend, an old friend that’s really attractive.”
These two are probably soul mates. If she doesn’t win, she will be runner-up and get the Nikki Gogan edit.
Most likely to: Post memes about it being “wine o’clock” every Friday arvo.
Brooke, 27, Occupational Therapist
AKA Cake Boss
Brooke brought Jimmy cake and for this, she should be protected at all costs. More precisely, she gave him Sri Lankan love cake as it was a treat she would make with her mum and was enjoyed by her nan before she passed away. Wholesome family backstory? This is it!
Anyone who comes bearing cake is my kind of gal.
Most likely to: Ditch The Bachelor after getting cast on The Great Australian Bake Off.
Belinda, 29, Criminal Lawyer
AKA Chaos Queen
Words can’t quite describe the wild ride Belinda took us on tonight. I can’t think of a contestant like her from the many many seasons of this show.
She drove herself in a V8 to meet Bachy, claiming to have driven from the Sunshine Coast. Sounds fake but OK! Unlike most of the women, Belinda got a full sexy intro package with her walking in business attire, flipping her long hair, and applying lipstick. We know she’s a criminal lawyer because she tells us 346 times. “I think that without love that life is just a series of eating and shitting every day,” she observed. Is that Austen? Hemingway? Maybe even Shakespeare?
When Jimmy asked Belinda why she was still single, she said “Because I’ve been waiting for you”. This lady is a smooth operator and she’s fallen hard. In her voxxie after meeting Jimmy, she said, “I want to lock him up and throw away the key…not to my basement!!” Just kidding! Unless?? There are no words.
Most likely to: Pinch a lock of hair from all her exes to harvest herself the perfect man.
The Bachelor airs Wednesday and Thursday nights at 7:30pm on Channel 10.