11 Things You Missed On The Infamous Photo Shoot Episode Of ‘The Bachelor’
Welcome back to The Bachelor walkout week, where we’re yet to see an actual walkout happen! But I’m still here so that’s all that matters.
We finally have arrived at the photo shoot episode. You know the drill: some girls get to dress up hot, some not, and there’s always one girl that has undeniable chemistry with the Bachy and gets too close to kissing him.
As usual, the only thing I’m close to kissing is the half-empty bottle of rosé in my fridge, so let’s do this thing.
Here’s everything that happened in episode 4 of The Bachelor:
#1. Monique and Matt went on an action-packed single date, two things I’ve never had in my life: action or a date, just in case you needed that spelt out for you.
We started off with Monique standing in a park staring at a tree. “What are you looking at, punk?” the tree says. “I don’t usually kiss on first dates because I’m traditional,” Monique answers. “I don’t give a shit,” the tree replied.
Matt picked Monique up in a Ferrari and took her to a big old shed. “This is where I come to cry,” Matt said sadly.
Kidding! It really opened to reveal two planes in which the two were going to participate in an aerobatics competition. Only one would make it out alive.
#2. A man showed them how to spew into a giant condom before they took off.
Classic first date material.
They then flew around and said things like “wow!” and “this is the best thing ever!” while I vomited just watching them go upside-down in the sky. Where is my giant condom spew bag?! Huh?!
#3. Matt, Mon and their tongues then spent some alone time together.
They have an extremely boring chat about being FIFO workers at some stage in their lives before Monique dropped that she doesn’t go on first dates much. Matt is ASTOUNDED by this information, even though it’s 2019 and we all know it’s virtually impossible to date these days without a reality TV show.
“I’ve never had anybody that would be so thoughtful, in any aspect…” Monique said, looking around at their candlelit… shed. Hon, I hate to break your bubble, but Matt did not do this specifically for you.
Matt gave Monique a rose and a pash, making it a big 3/3 success rate. He also said that Monique is everything he’s looking for and he can see a future with her.
Back at the house, the girls pretended to care when Mon gushed about her date. Case in point.
#4. Finally, we skip to PHOTO SHOOT time. The theme? Famous Romances.
Now, this is my idea of a famous romance but unfortunately, it didn’t go like this.
The first photo shoot is Snow White themed, and Isabelle took on the role of Snow White very seriously – she literally just lay down, shut her eyes, and didn’t open them again which is what I usually call my weekend.
We stan a queen who’s just there for a nap and a free cocktail party!
#5. Mary got stitched up in her outfit but made the most of it.
Mary and Sogand took on the role of the two wicked stepsisters from Cinderella, while Emma stood in the background being… Cinderella, I guess. Pray for my office sweep, everyone.
Mary was absolutely stitched up with her outfit but made the most of it by unbuttoning her whole damn shirt and not breaking eye contact with Matt once. Like seriously. This bad gal did not blink ONCE.
“I would’ve loved to have been Cinderella, but I don’t think they’ve created a black Cinderella yet,” Mary said. I love her, give her the damn glass slipper and let this thing be done.
#6. Cassandra and Matt played Romeo and Juliet and, plot twist, it ended with me dying of boredom.
Now we all know Romeo and Juliet as the two star-crossed lovers who had a romantic suicide pact. I can assure you none of this energy was captured in this shoot. As Rachael said, “this is like watching a dad and daughter.” Which is… so gross.
The other girls stood there judging Cassandra about her lack of chemistry with Matt while making jokes about her being too short for him. That is truly the BOTTOM line of humour!
Sorry, I’ll see myself out.
#7. Vakoo & Abbie were on a Cleopatra shoot together and Abbie soon got tired of fanning Matt and Vakoo down, so went in for the goods.
Abbie is RUTHLESS. She’s the kind of girl if she had eyes for my boyfriend, I’d just hand him over to her and know that I’d lose the fight. He’d be easy enough to hand over because my boyfriend is just a giant body pillow with a confused face drawn on it and a speech bubble that says “you look beautiful this morning!”, but even that would fall for Abbie’s dominating sexual powers.
Vakoo lost her moment as Abbie took absolute control of the shoot. “I find I am exercising considerable self-restraint,” Matt said about the situation he’s landed himself in with Abbie.
Reading between the lines, he’s trying to say he’s got a huge boner.
The girls are left shook that their joint boyfriend has found chemistry with yet another lady in the house. What’s next? He’ll kiss ANOTHER girl? FFS, think of the sanctity of marriage or whatever!
#8. Osher appeared in a puff of smoke at the cocktail party to let everyone know Matt was waiting in the orchard for someone.
The catch is there were two names (Sogand and Abbie) written on the date card and the rest of the ladies got to vote for who would receive the alone time with Matt. Abbie went in on a mission to make sure it’s her, while Sogand sat there looking sad and confused.
Mary and Vakoo came up with a plan that if they send Abbie, Matt will soon realise it’s simply a physical connection and nothing further. Abbie vowed to some of the other ladies that she wouldn’t kiss Matt, despite them nearly making out during the photo shoot in front of EVERYONE.
Nothing could go wrong here! Nothing!
#9. Abbie strutted off for her alone time with Matt and they made a baby.
Honestly, this was some soft-core porn on primetime TV. The lipstick came off, the leg was hitched, there was heavy breathing and that was just me eating my dinner.
Abbie and Matt got so into it that his glasses steamed up and he had to keep wiping them down. “That’s not all he would’ve been wiping down,” my elderly next-door neighbour cackled from next door.
So gross, Doris, please, some of us are trying to keep this PG.
#10. Shit hit the fan when Abbie returned minus her lipstick.
Abbie owned up to kissing Matt, even though she solemnly pledged she would not kiss him.
TBH, if I was her I probably would’ve just lied and said they shared a deep, intellectual conversation over some falafel kebabs and her lipstick came off after smashing it down. But whatever.
The girls went from initially shocked, to slowly getting angry that Abbie had the nerve to kiss their boyfriend and then brag about it, unlike Sogand or Elly!
#11. At the rose ceremony, we said bye to the Pilates teacher (most remembered for thrusting on the red carpet).
On the plus side, Abbie got her lipstick touched up.
Maybe someone walks out then? Or maybe the people walking out was us all along. See you then!