BACHY ROAST: Our Ruthless First Impressions Of The Bachy Women & We’re Not Even Sorry
Well, how about those apples. Tonight’s premiere of The Bachelor served up a delicious fruit bowl of contestants: some sweet, some sour, and others that have gone just plain bad.
We met a lot of interesting women and we reckon we’ve worked out who are the obvious frontrunners already, well, before tomorrow brings about a whole new group of bachelorettes.
But we’re getting ahead of ourselves, let’s talk about tonight’s contestants! Oh boy! We already have a couple of villains to play with and quite a few loose units. I truly hope Matt prepared himself for this utter garbage fire.
Here’s our first impression of The Bachelor ladies!
Abbie
The Easily Confused
I was not expecting Abbie to receive the jazzy villain music edit but that’s what we got. It didn’t last long, because soon after Matt had to fix Abbie’s messy hair and tame her curls.
Just when she was losing control of the situation, Abbie asked Matt to do a spin. I cannot fault that. We all wanted to see the goods after all. Unfortunately, it all unravelled when she replied “I’m a Gemini!” to Matt, after he revealed he was an astrophysicist. Look, it’s happened to the best of us.
I have to assume Abbie lives a simple life, getting easily confused and walking into traffic signs.
Most likely to: Call someone on her phone to ask where she left her phone.
Cassandra
Cat From Bali 2.0
We did not see a lot of Cassandra this episode but what we did see told us a lot. She seemingly proposed to Matt, so the bitch ain’t playin’. We watched on as she slid a ring on our Bachy’s finger. I’m immediately suspicious because we also know that (like another memorable Bachy contestant) she has a jewellery business.
SHE’S JUST SELLING HER MERCH. The nerve of it all.
Most likely to: Work the fact she has a jewellery line into any and every conversation.
Emma
The Stalker
You’ve just got to love Emma and I feel for the girl as she is clearly getting edited as a total stalker. Not going to lie, she plays the part a little too well. As she first approached Matt, her eyes bulged as she saw him and blurted out “You’re so handsome!” before laughing loudly in his face.
Then she told him she’s already picked her wedding gown and is ready to settle down. This is fine. After being picked to have the first chat with Matt, upon her return she told the girls “I love him,” before casually laughing it off. HAHAHA! But seriously! Haha! I actually love him! Lol. I want to sleep inside his skin! HAHA.
“What will our initials be when we get married?” she later pondered to herself. Matt better lock his doors.
Most likely to: Keep a lock of Matt’s hair under her pillow.
Georgie
The Pommie With The Thicc Accent
This 32-year-old lass is a mum and self-confessed “whinging pommie” but we didn’t hear about ANY OF THIS. The poor woman was barely shown at all. Which especially sucks for me, as she’s the contestant I got in the office sweep. Signs aren’t looking good.
Most likely to: Quote cringey lines from Little Britain.
Hannah
The Liability
Hannah is nuts and I love her already. First up, her entrance was one of the most iconic of all time. Rocking up with a boom box and flashcards is a power move and you got to respect a girl that is an unapologetic fan of Love Actually.
Next, she barges in on Helena’s date like some raging bull and then throws random questions at our Bachy, confusing him and then rambling on about Lord of the Rings for no apparent reason. What a power move.
Most likely to: Start swiping Tinder in the middle of a rose ceremony before stumbling into a bush.
Helena
The Heartbreaker
You could tell Matt was into Helena from the second she sauntered towards him. He got nervous and started acting strange. He asked her to spin and while admiring her, he yelped ‘WOW-WEE!’, and no sane person would ever say that.
Matt also said she was “very attractive” which proves he has eyes. Their chat later in the night was derailed by Hurricane Hannah and we could tell that this bothered Matt. I dunno, I’m vibing that maybe he’s more into her than what she is for him. I reckon it’ll all end in tears and our Bachy will be left nursing a broken heart.
Most likely to: Leave Matt under her spell.
Isabelle
Flexi Gal
Isabelle is a pilates instructor and we know this as she got Matt to perform various crotch-thrusting poses upon her arrival and it got all kinds of sexual.
Most likely to: Inexplicably carry a yoga mat with her everywhere she goes.
Brianna
Brunette No. 1
I don’t know this person. I’m sure she’s nice.
Most likely to: Speak words and walk around on her feet.
Jessie
Brunette No. 2
Whomst?
Most likely to: Grow hair from her head and eat breakfast in the morning.
Keely
Dead To Me
BYEEEEE!
Sophie
Dead To Me
BYEEEEEEEEEEEE!
Kristen
Shut Up About China, Okay
Kristen is a China researcher and says she wants to err, “run an empire” that teaches kids how to talk in Mandarin. I think she likes China. It’s unclear.
“Hopefully I remember how to speak English,” she jokes… to herself. Throughout the night she works the topic of China into every single conversation and even gave Matt a fortune cookie as a gift. She is very authentic, you see. I predict in the next episode she will arrive dressed as a giant dumpling.
Most likely to: Tell someone she speaks Mandarin when they didn’t ask.
Mary
Trouble Maker
This Brazilian mum is bringing the drama and she ain’t holding back. Mary already declared that she only wanted to spend time with Matt as she wasn’t there “to spend time with girls,” which definitely translates to “I’m not here to make friends.”
Later on, when Matt was talking to Emma, she interrupted saying she was “was very happy to cut her.” Savage. I reckon she’ll be right in the middle of every conflict.
Most likely to: Tell two women they’ve been speaking about each other, grab a cocktail and watch the mayhem unfold.
Nichole
The Villain
Nichole is A LOT. She rocked up on a motorcycle, she’s confident about her looks and spends her spare time boxing. She ticks all the boxes on what makes a reality TV villain.
When she arrived she appeared disinterested in Matt. “Is there anything you want to know about me?” she fires at him, like she’s the damn Bachy herself. The disrespect.
Later she said she’s looking for a partner who will “Be my best mate and do fun shit with,” and I’m adding that to my wedding vows. Nichole pledged to disregard the other girls and “steal their man.” She also totally cut Vakoo’s lunch, stealing the Bachy away later to tell him about, errr…the Gold Coast.
Most likely to: Be rude to waiters.
Rachael
The Worst
I reckon we’re supposed to think Nichole is the villain when deep down, it’s actually Rachael. Firstly she arrives in an actual wedding gown which, you know, is weird but fine. But my issue was with how she treated her maid of honour and bestie Tonya, even calling her a “bitch face.” Not okay.
Later in the night, she bitched to another girl. “Some girls will just do anything for camera time.” Ironic from the girl who arrived IN A FUCKING WEDDING DRESS. Then in an interview before the rose ceremony she said “I’m not head over heels like the other girls are,” which is the first sign of many that she isn’t there for the right reasons. She is bad news.
Most likely to: Need an exorcism.
Chelsie
The Winner
I’m not saying that Chelsie is definitely the winner but, like, clearly she should be and if she doesn’t win, this show is a fraud. Chelsie has everything and, as a chemical engineer, she can vibe with our Bachy better than anyone else.
Speaking of chemistry (heheh) those two together were hot AF. I was blushing the whole time even before Matt gave her a peek show as they applied his temporary tattoo. Practically every girl in the mansion was threatened by her and she received the second rose following Ellie, so yeah, she’s got this in the bag.
Most likely to: Win The Bachelor. Duh. Catch up.
Elly
The Runner-Up
Get ready to fall in love with Elly and become thoroughly invested in her and Matt’s love story, right before having your still-beating heart ripped from your chest when Elly does not win in the end. It’s going to happen. You could say it’s…written in the stars. (What has this show done to me…?)
But I’m getting ahead of myself. Elly is clearly getting the wifey edit. She is a down-to-earth country gal, she shared heaps of cute moments with Matt and there was definite banter, with Bachy even telling her she gives him butterflies. Elly was chosen to receive the Golden Ticket, meaning she’s scored a date in Matt’s hometown.
I’m sorry fam but I think we’re being lured into a false sense of security here. Never forget, Nikki.
Most likely to: Become the next Bachelorette.
Sogand
The Dark Horse
I was feeling a lot of chemistry between Matt and Sogand. While I’m not sure she’ll win, you never know and considering the girl tricked the Bachy into proposing to her on the first night, I wouldn’t put it past her.
During her convo with Matt, she told him she was there “for the right reasons” and was ready to put everything on the line. I reckon Sogand seems like a genuine lovely person. Considering she received the third rose, I think Matt agrees.
Most likely to: Go all the way to the end, but maybe not The Bachelor grand finale.
Tash
That Girl In Green
Ummmm. Yeah. I’m sure she’s great.
Most likely to: Breathe air and grow toenails.
Vakoo
Our Queen
Vakoo is frankly iconic. She knows she’s a queen and I respect that. The model even arrived carrying her own runway, just after she practised saying her own name in the limo over 47 times.
She even got Matt giving his best Zoolander impression on the catwalk and it made adorable TV. As she exited, she yelled out “Once you go black, you never go back.” I am stunned. How did we get so lucky?!
Later she brought Matt a glass of wine while he was speaking to another date. She knows to keep her man liquored up at all times. This ain’t her first rodeo.
Most likely to: Become the next Vanessa Sunshine. We bow down. The Bachelor is unworthy.