11 Things You Missed On Episode 2 Of ‘The Bachelor’ While I Wondered Where Vakoo Was
Welcome back to another night at the drama llama lair, where only some chosen llamas will remain by the end of the episode.
In last night’s llama drama, we saw King Llama Matt meet all his new llama brides as they decided to all settle down in a llama commune to start their own polyamorous llama love cult.
Now that my pitch for Channel 10’s pilot week is out of the way, you’re probably just here to see what happened in episode two of The Bachelor.
Let’s get down to it.
#1. Osher arrived with a date card and the clue is about “not always speaking the same language.” ICYMI, Kristen can speak Mandarin so she gets a bit excited this could be about her.
Unfortunately for Kristen, there are a few other people in the house who can speak other languages and the date card actually went to Sogand, who is technically Matt’s fianceé.
While the girls (Emma) rolled around in jealousy, I got distracted by how damn good Sogand’s shirt is.
My classic reply on Bumble when someone actually bothers asking me out.
#2. Sogand and Matt’s date is filled with literally every single cliché we could possibly imagine.
There’s a helicopter! There are violins! There’s a kiss! There’s a rose! Anyway, enough about my fantasies.
The date consisted of Sogand and Matt getting into a helicopter, being dropped into some random forest and finding formal attire, then BOOM, it was night time and there was an orchestra waiting for them in the woods. After a heartwarming violin rendition of Aussie pub classics like ‘Africa’ and ‘You’re The Voice’, Sogand opened up to Matt about a past relationship.
Matt gave Sogand a rose, they kissed, and I expanded my distance settings on Bumble to 100,000 kilometres.
#3. Back at the house, Sogand shared with the girls that she and Matt had “multiple kisses” and that he has very soft lips.
They were all shook! A kiss? On a dating show? After a solo date?!
#4. Interlude: A familiar face is back for another shot at love!
At this rate, I’m predicting we’ll have a llama pop up in every episode. Don’t let me down Channel 10. Give the llama a single date! She’s been waiting forever!
#5. Cue the dramatic music, because a group of new girls arrived to cause havoc.
To think I had barely learned everyone’s names and they added EIGHT more to the fold. No wonder our Bachy Boi has to wear an earpiece.
#6. The other ladies (hereby known as the “originals” and not to be confused with that weird-ass vampire show) went on a group date with Matt to practice a skill we all need in life: the skill of archery.
There’s nothing I love more than waking up on a Saturday morning with no huge plans lined up for the day, so I can grab my bow and arrows and head down to my local shooting range to impress my crush, who is just as happy to stand there in his glasses, quietly watching me.
Chelsie hit the target of receiving a rose. How convenient!
#7. Back at the mansion, Osher lets the girls know they’re being joined by some new friends. They’re thrilled!
Please note this is the last time we see Vakoo, in the background of this shot and then she just straight up DISAPPEARS.
DUN DUN: The dramatic music for Law & Order: SBU (Special Bachy Unit) is back and I will not let this go until we discover where Vakoo went.
#8. At the cocktail party, the eight new ladies have to come in and introduce themselves to Matt while the originals watch.
First up we have Julia, a children’s entertainer, who brings us the first song of the season! This show really will never let us down.
We breeze through some other girls: blonde bombshell Monique who Nichole thinks is her “desperate doppelgänger” because they’re both… blonde… and like to box? I guess. Jessica and Renee get blitzed through, but I’m sure they’re nice or have straight teeth or whatever the requirements for this show is.
Mary gives some bitchy commentary on basically every single entrance and new girl Tara rocks up with a stethoscope. Is she a doctor? We have no idea. Will she stick around? Hard to know. Will I stick around? It’s a mystery to us all but my boss has left me handcuffed to my desk and hidden the key, only saying “we’ll rediscuss this in eight weeks” so…
#9. The entertainment factor is upped as we are introduced to our new Brittney: Australia, meet Nikki!
Nikki pranced on in screaming “bonjour, Mama’s home!” before breaking out in a cheer that went exactly like this:
“Hi there my name is Nikki, finding love can be quite tricky, oh Bachy you’re a cutie, let me see you shake that booty.”
I regret to inform you, Matt did not shake his booty for Nikki. I also regret to inform anyone who got Nikki in the office sweep that you’re fucked.
#10. Sogand lost her shit when Danush, another Persian, arrived.
Sogand is quick to pull her aside after her entrance to the house (and after Danush gifted Matt with some traditional Persian sweets) and suss her out.
Straight away Sogand let Danush know she had already formed a connection with Matt, gone a date with him, and shared her deepest, darkest secrets with him. Very subtle.
Sogand also reminded us all, in case we forgot, that she was in fact Matt’s “Persian princess” and there was simply no room for anyone else. Apart from the other 20+ girls in the mansion.
Monique stole Matt away for a chat, much to the disgust of Nichole but also dropped an interesting tidbit in her voiceover. “They’ve had a week with him, and we haven’t,” Monique said. Well, there’s a rough timeline for us then.
Meanwhile, Emma tells Abbie she really, really, really doesn’t want to sound like a bitch. Like, she really doesn’t want to sound like a bitch. As in, she REALLY doesn’t want to SOUND like a BITCH. But! She’s threatened by the new intruders and she feels like she’s starting to see some “real” personalities come out.
#11. At the rose ceremony, we said goodbye to SIX ladies. Except our Queen Vakoo was just nowhere to be seen? Did Tyra Banks kidnap her?
Oh, FYI, these are the girls who were sent packing. So goodbye to Love, Actually and the second Persian princess and… the other blondes.
Next week:
Nah I’m not really sure what I’m up to yet, but thanks for ask-. Oh right! The Bachelor. Next week sees the originals vs. the newbies battle it out on the footy field, before Nichole loses her shit at the cocktail party.
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Don’t forget to stay tuned for our The Bachelor video recap, coming your way tomorrow morning!