Believe It Or Not, More Things Happened On ‘The Bachelor’ Tonight

Happy hump day, beauties! Welcome back to another week of The Bachelor, where there was drama, llamas, date cards, and an attempt to give Locky the snip.

Keeping up with The Bachelor this season has been mildly confusing, and I’m not just saying that because each year I cover reality TV I become slightly more stupid. The episodes are cut up weirdly to prolong the season due to Ms. Rona rearing her ugly head, so just as the drama is kicking off at the cocktail party on Thursday nights, we’re then left to wait a week before we figure out what has happened. “But that makes me forget all about it and not care,” a voice in my head told me. “I know right, I don’t love it?” I replied.

So in case you need a refresher, I allegedly wrote a recap of episode four last week in what I can only describe as a fever dream. Except, don’t worry, I don’t have a fever, I know this because I had to get my temp taken today at the gym and I was too cold to bring forth a reading so I am actually writing this from the grave. You know what they say: cold hands, dead heart.

Tonight’s episode picked up from last week’s cocktail party, with Juliette making a beeline for Locky to explain why she didn’t want to go out in the mud and rain on a group date and run around after a ball. I know that all sounds totally self-explanatory, but remember in this show, women are made to do ridiculous things in order to grab a man’s attention.

Don’t worry, we’ve all been there.

Here’s everything that went down in episode 5 of The Bachelor.

1. Juliette explained to Locky that she’s not really the girly girl she appears at cocktail parties, saying she was devo to miss out on the group date because she “straightened her hair and shaved her legs.”

“I was like, I want Locky to see me not in a dress, not with my boobs out,” Juliette said. She explained to him she was sick, VERY sick, on her deathbed basically, while the rest of the girls talked about how she was actually not sick at all and just walking around the house, eating YouFoodz as per a normal day in the Bachy mansion.

As Juliette talked to Locky, the ripples of drama were bubbling under the surface. Roxi was particularly skittish, convinced Juliette was saying bad things about her. We didn’t really get any backstory into this whatsoever, just Roxi ranting and raving and being super anxious about needing to get time with Locky.

In other news, Rosemary did a super awkward rap for Locky, which broke up some of the drama of Roxi crying.

“Prince Philip was born in 1921, and is rumoured to have passed away in 2011, though palace insiders deny such cla-“

2. Tension kept brewing amongst the ladies and it was a bit hard to keep up, tbh.

Maybe it’s because I left high school 12 years ago, but most of the time I had no f*cking idea what was happening here. Roxi was crying, Laura decided to go sort things out with Juliette and make sure she wasn’t trying to start shit, and Areeba and Kristina were just stalking around forcing each other to smile just in case anyone else looked their way and saw them looking less than happy.

Eventually (after Juliette and Laura had some illogical argument) Areeba nabbed some time with Locky. They had barely sat down before he was alerted to a sound (probably the sound of a producer in his ear) and he told Areeba he’d be right back. Locky then went and found Roxi who was upset and pulled her away for a chat to make sure she was OK.

Meanwhile…

Eventually Areeba got fed up waiting for a man who was never coming back (story of my life) and stormed off, only to nearly walk straight into Roxi and Locky’s conversation, where he was assuring Roxi he was into her and apologising for not talking to her straight away at the cocktail party, even though she had a rose and was safe.

This show drives me bonkers.

3. We said goodbye to Zoe-Clare, a redhead gone too soon, and some other blonde.

Cementing the fact we really didn’t get the full story about anything that was going on, these were Zoe-Clare’s parting words to Locky:

Blindsided by who?! The Golden God? Areeba? Roxi? Osher? I need to know more!

TELL ME MORE!

4. A new day dawned and a date card arrived.

Osher rocked up with a mystery box for the lucky lady chosen for the single date, except it was NEVER EVEN OPENED?!

TBF, my mystery box is rarely opened by the thought of a single date either.

Anyway, Irena was chosen for the date. She’s either wifey No. 1 or wifey No.2, so we’re happy for her.

But also, WHO ARE THESE PEOPLE?

Most importantly we need to talk about Laura, our new queen of dry humour and sarcasm. While it doesn’t always translate on screen I, for one, love it. If it turned out she was joking about expensive handbags this whole time too, I will kiss her feet.

Not only did she say she was so happy to see Osher to break up the friction amongst the girls and dropped a Thank God You’re Here reference, she also then talked about being “obsessed” with Locky in perhaps the driest way ever on TV. “I  think about him every single waking moment, dreaming about him, I think about him when I’m in the shower, in the toilet,” she said, trailing off and looking to the side. “It’s a lot, isn’t it?”

We are not worthy.

5. Irena and Locky tried to stab each other on their date.

Huge mood.

“I’m sure it’ll be fun getting poked around with Locky’s sword today,” Irena laughed to herself. “Did you get that, love?” my senile neighbour Doris yelled out to me, tapping on my head with a ruler. “That’s a dick joke!” she said, before poking the ruler into my back. “You’d understand more if you ever got any!” she chortled.

Honestly, Doris, the only thing I wish I did know was how you manage to get into my apartment every Bachy episode with no invitation.

Irena won the challenge, by gently stabbing Locky in the balls. A warning sign to show who’s boss. I approve and I’ve taken this method onboard.

6. Back at the house, Areeba and her crew talked about how the other girls are scared of them.

“They better not start shit because we aren’t going to be the nice girls anymore,” Areeba said. I’m sure more happened in the discussion, but my eyes rolled back so far in my head they got stuck and I started reliving all my trauma from the age of 12 to 27.

7. The foreplay continued on Locky and Irena’s date.

Sure I could write about how they felt they had a connection but it’s easy enough to sum up the date in four, quick GIFS.

Best 30 seconds of both their lives I reckon.

Thanks for joining me again! See you tomorrow night.