Abbie Vs. Sogand, Round 2: 8 Things That Happened On Episode 8 Of ‘The Bachelor’

We’re back for another round of Sogand Vs. Abbie on tonight’s episode of The Bachelor and who will win? The answer is no one, because we’re all losers here.

Whether you’re Team Abbie, Team Sogand or “Team IDGAF because I predict neither of them will win”, the drama continued to gently bubble tonight — though it never got quite as hectic as last week’s dog c**t saga.

The most shocking part of tonight’s episode is that they didn’t use that “single llama sitting in the dark” shot once! And no, I’m not talking about myself.

Here’s what went down on tonight’s episode of The Bachelor.

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1. Kristen nabbed the solo date with Matt and he kayaked over from the Bach pad to greet her.

He travelled so far! So strong! Huge arms. Etc.

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The two frolicked in the water and once again, a date on this show has made kayaking look fun and flirtatious when all I’ve ever known it for is as a way of telling if you’re compatible with someone or not.

I am not traumatised from once being stuck in a double kayak with an ex or anything. It was fine! Being yelled at in a kayak because you’re shit at it is fun! Fighting is healthy!

#2. The two then played a very short-lived human-sized version of noughts & crosses which quickly turned into a highly sexual pampering session.

Think of Richie and Alex’s chocolate bath 2.0 except with a coffee scrub that they just kept smooshing on each other’s faces until it looked like they were covered in shit.

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For some reason, Matt was sitting in the world’s smallest tub, quite like one you’d buy from Kmart and make a lethal goon punch in. Not that I’m talking from experience or anything.

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There’s only so much words can do for this scene, so I’ve tried to sum it up in as many images as possible.

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Can’t wait to see Matt and Kristen’s faces forever blasted across BuzzFeed articles titled “17 Of The Worst Shitting Accidents Of All Time” or “23 People Share Their Most Embarrassing Sexual Experiences”.

After rubbing coffee scrub in Matt’s eyes, Kristen went in for the ultimate power move and gave him a sneaky pash. And yes, he was still sitting in that very small bucket.

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#3. The group date involved four chosen ladies meeting Matt’s best friend, except he also invited THEIR best friends.

I’m not here to talk about the emotional reunion with loved ones. I am only here to talk about Sogand’s BFF Max who we simply must choose to stan.

But first, let’s backtrack on the premise of what this was all about.

Abbie, Sogand, Elly and Cassandra were chosen to meet Matt’s BFF Kate and he ended up surprising them with their own BFFs, who he got to have a chat with.

Straight away, it was obvious to us that the only BFFs name we had to remember (minus Kate) was Max, Sogand’s bestie. In one (overused) word he is… iconic.

His deadpan, “she’s funny” in regards to Abbie showed us he KNEW straight away Sogand wasn’t a fan. Which she did let him know.

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And then he took a casual sip of champagne and dropped this line.

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Me to me about me.

But while everyone needs a protective BFF in their life, Max also wasn’t scared to give Sogand a bit of real talk and tell her to reign it in when it came to Abbie. “Sogand is like an onion, she’s very passionate,” Max said.

Ahh yes, those passionate onions.

Max then left Sogand with “you just gotta be you, except the crazy part,” which is probably the wisest thing anyone has ever said on this show.

#4. Matt’s BFF Kate also got confused about Abbie’s marriage/kids timeline.

In short, Abbie said she’s open to getting married, but she’s not dying to get married, and she feels the same way about children. She then goes on to say “in an ideal world, I’d be married with kids in the next five years,” and Kate pulled some truly relatable faces.

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Kate was impressed with Elly (aren’t we all!), got to learn all about Cassandra’s business expansion plans (Melbourne! LA! Kids at 40! Or maybe 42!) and Sogand let Kate know that Abbie is not to be trusted.

The most interesting part of Sogand and Kate’s chat is a voiceover stating “I wouldn’t be surprised if Abbie is a complete fake,” but it doesn’t show WHO said it – but, tbh, it definitely sounded like Kate.

We didn’t see Matt get to know the girls’ BFFs all that much, but we did get to see Matt and Max sit down to discuss their life insurance plans.

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Does anyone else know the ad I’m talking about where that guy goes up to his mate to congratulate him on his unborn child and the dude replies with “Yeah mate, ever since we got the news we’ve had to switch our LIFE INSURANCE” as though that’s a completely normal way to reply.

OK, SORRY I GOT DISTRACTED.

#5. Kate and Matt got together to debrief about her chats with his multiple girlfriends.

Kate dropped on Matt that Sogand does not trust Abbie and we have to feel for our poor Bachy boi in this moment: he’s in a fierce grapple trying to decide between his head and his dick.

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As Kate tells him extremely diplomatically what was said about Abbie and her own concerns about the situation, Matt deems the information “questionable.” “It’s all coming from once source, it’s Sogand’s words through someone else,” Matt told the camera.

“I don’t think she’s here for the wrong reasons, I just don’t think she’s here for the same reasons,” Kate told Matt. I need this girl to be my own personal therapist when she words dramatic situations as diplomatically as that. Kate, call me!!

“While I value Kate’s opinion, I know what Abbie and I have and I’m not ready to throw that all away,” Matt’s penis said.

that's a yikes

#6. At the cocktail party, Matt rocked a new look.

Somewhere along the way he must’ve realised many women find Jared Leto extremely attractive but got the message mixed.

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OK, you got me, that’s not what happened.

What really happened was Matt whisked Helena away for a chat to make sure his feelings for her were known. Like, really known. He regretted not cementing a big wet one on her when they made their pearl baby and decided it was time to rectify his decision.

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Yes, Helena was wearing red lipstick. Yes, I hope this haunts your dreams tonight.

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#7. After Rachael told her Sogand threw her under the bus, Abbie decided to go confront Sogand about it.

Rachael decided it was pretty petty for Sogand to bitch to Kate about Abbie. “I’m not a fan of Abbie,” Rachael let us know, “but I need some drama in my life.”

Rachael, we thank you from the bottom of our heart for spicing things up.

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In the end, the argument between the two was kind of hard to care about. Sogand was brutally honest to Abbie about what she said about her, so +1 to her. Abbie kept very calm and took it rather well so +1 to her.

Sogand then went in for the dig saying all the girls bitch about Abbie behind her back, so -1 point for the low blow. At some stage, Abbie did lie a lot and didn’t own up to it, so -1 to her.

See the problem here?

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#8. Matt continued his vicious slaying of brunettes.

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Bye Cassandra!

Next week:

Winter is nearly over and footy finals are approaching. Oh, and on The Bachelor Rachael may or may not get caught with a producer?!

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TTYL xo.