12 Things That Happened On Tonight’s Bachelorette Spin-Off, ‘The Bro-Code’
Welcome back to another week of bros getting mad at their other bros for breaking something called the ‘bro-code’ because that is very normal for men in their late-20s and early-30s.
In other words, Bachelorette is back for a brand new week!
We’ve hit the mid-way part of the series which means we’re getting clearer on our front-runners, and the people whose names we can’t remember are all slowly getting kicked out before we bother learning anything about them.
From comedy fails to possessive males, here are the most important parts from episode 5 of The Bachelorette.
1. The group date card asked for a man who could “stand and deliver.” Jamie took it to mean “delivering anniversary gifts”.
Timm loudly proclaimed to the boys that if your name was on the group date card, it meant that you’re on the chopping block. In a beautiful irony, Timm was the last name to be read out on the date card.
And unfortunately, no, the producers were kind for once in their lives and spared Jamie from going on the group date to perform stand-up comedy.
2. It was Harley Breen’s job to help the guys write and perform their own comedy routine for not only Angie, but a whole crowd of people. He was excited!
Harley, of course, has been put in hard situations before – I mean, he hosted Taboo with the whole premise of the show being Harley taking unfortunate or tragic things in people’s lives and turning it into a stand-up comedy routine. So teaching a couple of bros comedy shouldn’t be THAT hard, right?
Meanwhile, Timm seemed to be working on some sort of interpretive dance about a stand-up routine that was going to involve either chicken, geese or llamas.
(… me at the club at 2am trying to impress a guy.)
3. The actual comedy show itself was a hot mess.
Tom bombed, we didn’t even see silent Glenn or Adam’s routines, Ciarran retold the story of getting nude for Angie and the boys and got a lot of laughs and Scot just… well, he just took his clothes off. I mean, I get it, if I’m trying to make people laugh I’d probably do the same thing.
And Timm’s comedy spiel was definitely… Timm-like. I’d try and explain it to y’all but sometimes words don’t do things justice.
4. Ciarran was picked for some alone time with Angie after literally doing the most for the last few episodes.
I guess getting nude is sometimes worth it!
Ciarran and Angie started to bond on a deeper level, and Ciarran let Angie know how much family means to him. As he started talking about his siblings, he got wildly confused as to whether siblings stood for his brothers/sisters or if it was the word meant for his… children.
For the record, as far as we know, Ciarran doesn’t have children.
Regardless of the mishap, Ciarran got the rose and pash combo, with Angie letting us know it was a damn good kiss and that the two have a lot of sexual chemistry.
We got a dark (peroxide blonde) horse coming through, folks!
5. Intermission: Back at the house Glenn quizzes Ciarran on whether he pashed Angie or not.
I can only assume Glenn has one or two episodes left in him and is doing the most to say more than one thing each episode.
6. For the single date, Angie arrived in a fire truck to pick up the lucky Bachelor – and in the biggest ever burn to Jamie, she chose Ryan.
Pun not entirely intended.
7. Ryan and Angie put out fires and faked a dramatic rescue, you know, the usual things you do on a first date with someone.
Here I am just hitting up bars with a decent happy hour for a first date and these two are putting out a burning car instead of just, you know…putting out in a car.
The only thing of note here is that Angie mentioned she and Ryan had been chatting over DMs for A YEAR. A WHOLE GODDAMN YEAR. And they had NEVER met. A bit suspicious if you ask me…
Then again, I avoid meeting people I chat with over DMs aka Bumble, so I relate.
8. During their alone time, Ryan had to pretend like he hadn’t ever been 187 weeks deep in Angie’s Instagram, but did admit to having a big “cyber crush” on her.
Literally haven’t heard the term “cyber crush” since 2003 MSN days, but go off.
The two bonded over having sweaty hands and then Ryan just casually dropped that the date idea was great for him because he always wanted to be a firefighter but he’s a “liability” after having a couple of open-heart surgeries. Just normal, playful banter!
Sorry, but this show has ruined dating for me. I used to be worried like “what if I’m not good at flirting” and now I just watch this mess and think “OK, so next first date with someone I should air all my personal baggage to form a connection, yep, got it!”. But I wouldn’t actually do that of course, because that’s what Twitter is for.
Ryan gets a rose and a (presumedly sweaty) kiss.
Angie is impressed with his kissing style because he did “little kiss tricks” you wouldn’t expect from a nice, polite man. Which made me wonder… kiss tricks? Should I be incorporating more tricks next time I pash someone? What does a trick involve? Do I take the Allen’s lolly snake, tie it with my tongue, and then feed my date like a baby bird? IDK you guys, but stay tuned.
9. At the cocktail party, Jamie gifts Angie with a pair of rainbow socks.
Apparently on last week’s group date, Yvie said something about Angie not liking her feet so Jamie decided to buy her some socks. Jamie started his speech well enough by telling Angie, “it’s not about you covering up your flaws, I think everything about you is beautiful,” before continuing on with, “I think your feet are beautiful!”
I really, deeply want to make fun of him here but then he says to Angie “after every storm, there’s a rainbow” and the socks were rainbow, and my heart hurt so much for him in this moment that I felt emotional.
10. But not everything can be sunshine, socks and rainbows as we now know. Ryan snuck Angie away for some alone time…
Angie and Ryan had some solo time in the orchard, place of the horny Matt Agnew and Abbie energy and yes, they did share a cheeky pash.
11… and the bro-police lost their damn minds.
As Ryan appeared again, Tom (I keep initially writing Tom like Tomm because Timm and all the rest of the dumb spellings on this show have broken me) anyway, sorry… Tom asked Ryan how it made him feel taking Angie away even though he just had a single date and is safe.
Ryan simply gives no fucks, because he’s here for Angie. So he decided to remind the guys the show they were on is called The Bachelorette not Let’s Go Make Friends With Everyone In The House.
So true, I hate that show.
Haydn had to physically walk away from the conversation because Ryan was pissing him off so much, which seemed overly dramatic. Haydn would be that boyfriend you fight with when you’re walking somewhere together and they just stop and lean against a wall moodily with their arms crossed, refusing to keep walking with you, then you have to be like “baaaabe, c’mon I was joking!” and gently take your big, baby man child by the hand and tell him he has big biceps or something to get him back onside.
One by one the other bros follow him. Then it was only Tom left telling Ryan that he’s lost the respect of da boiz, while Carlin just wandered into the background shot accidentally looking wildly confused. 
Da boiz are so wounded and sad by Ryan saying he wasn’t there to make friends that it’s borderline hilarious. Guys! Must I remind you! This isn’t the Let’s Go Make Friends With Everyone In The House show. That’s still casting for next season. Grow up!
Ciarran then decided to also go off at Ryan, while Alex in the smartest move of the season, took his shot and stole Angie away for some solo time.
The most interesting thing to note here is while Ciarran loses his shit at Ryan, Timm is more silent than usual. Let’s not forget Timm was the one to enforce the bro code last week but he also broke his own bro code by doing the same thing as Ryan, with the difference being that Timm didn’t get pulled up on it.
Has anyone been doing a shot of tequila every time I’ve written bro in this article? Just me? OK, fine!
12. We said goodbye to three bros: Adam (I think), Tom, and Scot.
Jamie was given the first rose of the rose ceremony and leaves us with the chilling line: “This is my time to find my Angie.” Can’t wait for tomorrow night’s very normal episode!
Tomorrow night: the remaining bros meet Angie’s parents and I meet the bottom of my bottle of wine.
