‘The Bachelorette’ Episode 3: This Show Has Made Me Question My Heterosexuality

Welcome back to week two of The Bachelorette! “Week two?” I screamed in confusion at my computer when I wrote that. Yeah fam, it’s still only early days and we have a very bumpy ride ahead of us.

Anyway, pour a water (it’s important to stay hydrated) and let’s have a chat about tonight’s episode.

To no one’s surprise, Robert got the single date.

Bill did not slide in to steal the date, holding his wild rose for another day. Meanwhile, my 18-month-old son decided to point out that in my hand I was holding a wild rosé for the ninth night in a row. He lives on the balcony now.

Charlie reckons Bill’s decision to let the date slide will come back to “bite him in the foot”. Send feet pix, sweaty!

Rob and Ali go on a boat date and talk a lot about speed and making the boat go faster which is a metaphor for Ali’s past relationships.

When will boys realise bragging about speed is never going to be a good thing.

They end up on Cockatoo Island — true story, last time I went to Cockatoo Island, I’m 98% sure a spirit of a dead girl attached themselves to me and I’m, like, 110% sure that spirit is writing this article now.

Ali and Robert wrote down the issues that have made their previous relationships go bust.

They only used, like, a word for every canvas? Meanwhile, I wrote a whole novel on my Queen-sized sheet just then and then set it on fire.

Back at the mansion, the boys are wanking each other off or whatever else it is that men do when they’re bored.

I don’t know, I try not to hang around the male species.

Ivan, of course, is practising his dancing. The group date is announced and EVERYONE is invited! Kinda like my birthday parties in primary school, yet no one ever showed up.

On their date, Ali and Robert smashed through their issues in a buggy.

If I knew I just had to drive over my issues in a buggy earlier, I would’ve saved so much coin on therapy.

Ali and Robert then kiss a lot, and in the time they’re not kissing they just stare at each other’s lips.

Ali, or some Channel 10 intern, also turned Robert’s tomato sauce he gave her into a relish. “It was meant for PASTA,” his Nonna screamed, her plea echoing around Australia.

On the group date, the men dressed up as gladiators. Only one can survive.

Honestly, something about these men beating their chests in plastic gladiator outfits while giving guttural werewolf sounding screams really made me question if I was, indeed, straight.

The men are divided into teams and have to compete in challenges. Charlie hated the fact Bill was captain of his team.

Mmm, be careful Charlie, you don’t want anything to get back and “bite you in the foot.”

In the final challenge, Bill basically sabotaged his own team to get the last flag.

It was some tug-of-war thing and as the men furiously tugged on their ropes (lmao) Bill tried to use Charlie to push himself off of, and grab the final flag. As you can imagine Charlie was like “for sure champ, any possible way I can help!”

Just kidding. Charlie was red with rage.

Honestly, if this whole segment didn’t prove that men can’t focus on the task ahead, I don’t know what does.

Bill won the final flag, but Ali chose Ivan for some solo time.

Interlude: Charlie, WTAF is with your shirt???

My Nonna is literally screaming at me down the phone line that she wants to fix it. For some reason she thinks because I recap this show like the lonely single woman I am, that I personally know everyone on it.

Regardless, Charlie… fix your shit.

Ivan told Ali his deepest dream during their solo time. Grab some tissues, coz this will truly tug on your heartstrings. He wants to star in Step Up.

He’d settle for Magic Mike, btw. But in the next five years, he could see himself on Step Up, working on having five kids, and having Ali travel to the US to be with him.

That worked so well for her last time, Ivan. Read the room.

As you can imagine, Ali was… not feeling it.

At the cocktail party, the boys were having some blokey, mature banter about Bill being a snake.

Ivan had a surprise planned for Ali, but Bill went in to steal someone alone time with her before it all unfolded. He probably predicted after Ivan’s surprise (we all know it’s a dance, c’mon now) that Ali might need a break to sit by herself and contemplate her life choices, so tried to swoop in early.

Ivan finally showed Ali his surprise. Dressed in a singlet Michael Turnbull would be proud of, he danced his heart out for her.

“That was embarrassing,” my neighbour shouted from next door. She also yells that exact phrase at me every time I order Uber Eats at 6pm on a Saturday night.

Charlie confronted Bill about sabotaging Ivan’s time. Bill just played like he had no idea what Charlie was talking about.

Paddy, blink twice if you need help.

“It’s clear you’re just here for yourself,” Charlie fumed at Bill. I mean, that’s kinda the aim of the game, but whatever.

At the rose ceremony, Ali cut Matt Corby 2.0 and Daddy Damo.

Personally, I was a little taken aback because I thought I saw Daddy Damo in more footage in the promo, but maybe that was just in my dreams.

Tomorrow night: Charlie goes off at the cocktail party about something. This is an evergreen comment.