I’m Sad Damien’s Gone & 10 Other Things That Happened In Tonight’s ‘Bachelorette’ Episode
We’re halfway through this season of The Bachelorette and everything is fine. I’ve watched Damien’s striptease for the Miles sisters 72 times in a row. We’re pouring one out for him tonight, a man gone too soon. May he awkwardly thrust forever in our hearts.
Tonight’s episode of The Bachelorette saw the girls take what we predict to be their eventual winners on a double date, that involved boats and chats about deep feelings. The group date involved the men running through a muddy obstacle course in the race to get to the altar first, with a fervent passion normally unseen when it comes to men and commitment.
It was Damien however, oh god I’m choking up, who left us with these words of wisdom.
He’s so right.
Here’s everything that went down on episode 6 of The Bachelorette:
1. Frazer and Pete get picked for the double date with Becky and Elly. It involved small boats, then a bigger boat.
For some reason Elly and Becky were first forced to stroll along the waterside like they were two earnest old ladies who forgot their walking sticks. “Remember the days we dated 20 boys at once, in the middle of a global pandemic?” one of them chuckled fondly, until she laughed too hard and her heart gave out.
They took some very small red boats to go get onto a bigger yacht. “Yeoooww!” one of the men yelled, excitedly. “Wooooooooo!” the other one joined in.
2. Pete opened up to Becky about his family and got a rose.
Pete and Becky looked at the logistics standing in the way of their happy ever after: the fact he’s from Adelaide. I don’t blame her for bringing it up, I’ve also questioned the intentions of everyone I’ve ever met from Adelaide. Do you know people from SA call rice paper rolls “cold rolls”? I’d say that’s the most insane thing I’ve ever heard when it comes to Adelaidians, but it barely makes a blip on the radar.
Pete’s business and family are based in Adelaide, and Pete opened up about a brain injury his younger brother suffered two years ago. Because he’s still recovering, Pete wants to build up his business to a stage where he doesn’t have to work as much anymore so he can help his parents out with looking after his brother.
I’m not crying, except I am. I mean, I cry most nights when I watch this show, but this one really got me for the right reasons. Becky, move to Adelaide! Sorry, I know everyone is crazy there but you must never let this man go!
3. Frazer just learned the word ‘genuine’ and practiced saying it out loud to Elly for their date. In return, she told him that he reminded her of her dad.
Sexy! Just what every guy wants to hear.
Frazer realised by getting the second-last rose last night that he didn’t want to leave. He then expressed he’s been hurt in the past, which makes it hard to open up (sis, same, join the club, it’s called Being An Adult) and then he said 157 times that he’s looking for someone genuine and guess what?! Elly is genuine. “When I think about you, the biggest word I think about is genuine,” Frazer said. It’s true, it’s the biggest word he knows.
Elly then told Frazer that Becky told her that he reminded her of their dad, and this was meant to be… a compliment? A normal thing to say to the man you want to bang? I mean, I’m no dating expert, but that’s a yikes from me.
They finish the date with Elly kissing Frazer, who’s now her second dad. “Put a ring on it,” she said to the camera. “Haha, just joking!” she said, the calling cry of every girl who’s said something they are deadly serious about but have to follow it with “just joking” so they don’t look crazy. I say it all the time, except for me it’s normally someone saying “How are you?” and I’m like, “I want to sleep for 12 months straight and I cry most nights because the world has gone down the shitter, haha just joking!” because I realise too late the shop assistant was just being polite.
4. Adrian was medically ruled out for the group date because he was on antibiotics, so he got to play ref for the obstacle course.
The boys had to race to the altar with their leading women, in some sort of MAFS x Survivor mashup none of us ever asked for. Whoever’s team won meant that one guy from that team would be selected to spend some solo time with his future wife.
Adrian’s job as the medically-ruled out referee was that he could decide if an obstacle wasn’t completed properly, therefore giving Team Becky a HUGE advantage. Becky got a lady boner seeing Adrian yell at the other boys, while Damien completed the course with as much enthusiasm as me writing back to one of the 13, 558 emails in my inbox.
5. Of course, this meant Adrian helped Team Becky to win. Fair and square.
Some of the boys on Team Elly pretended to be pissed off for a bit of forced drama.
6. Adrian was picked for the solo time with Becky, and while he couldn’t get muddy on his antibiotics, he was allowed to sit in a tub full of Locky and Irena’s juices.
What was Adrian’s illness? Can’t do an obstacle course, but can run after everyone else doing the course? Can’t fling himself into a pool of mud, but can sit in a barrel that probably hasn’t been scrubbed clean from its previous use?
7. Adrian somehow charmed Becky into believing he was ready to settle down, and they sealed it with a kiss.
This kind of hurt my heart, because Becky looked so into Adrian, but our King of No Eye Contact wasn’t exactly selling himself as the No.1 prize.
But, nevertheless, Becky was wowed by their chemistry (I guess you had to be there) and they eventually pashed.
8. Joe recreated a date for Elly at the cocktail party, to replicate a date they had gone on in Newcastle.
OK, the date actually involved the combination of “salt and pepper squid” and “mushrooms.” Not THOSE kind of mushrooms. Unfortunately. Would’ve made things a whole lot more fun.
Anyway, this was a sweet moment, even though I spent most of it wondering how the squid and mushrooms go together. Do they go together? Maybe they don’t go together? Maybe one of them had squid, and the other one had mushrooms? How were the mushrooms cooked? Like it wasn’t just a plate of mushrooms, was it? No judgement either way, but I mean, make it a mushroom risotto or something.
9. James read out something he wrote for Elly and gave her a crystal.
Apparently he’s taken the crystal around the world with him or something, looking for that special someone to give it to one day. I’m just going to call it: James doesn’t win, so does he get his crystal back? I feel a bit sad for his crystal. He’s lugged it all across the world, it’s hung from his sweaty neck as he’s hiked, it’s stayed wedged in his speedos when he’s dived, it held his hand when he got THAT tattoo in Bali, it’s survived greening out in Amsterdam*, and yet, he’s given it to someone he won’t end up with after next week, probably.
This show makes me sad.
*He never said ANY of these things happened for what it’s worth.
10. Two ghosts rocked up at the rose ceremony: Osher and Becky.
Becky was at the cocktail party, apparently! And Osher shimmied his way back in to pretend to address the boys, as though he was in the same room with them, even though we knew he wasn’t.
11. We said goodbye to Damien, and he sadly (and stiffly) thrusted his way out.
Why the hell would I watch this show without my 20-second glimpse of Damien every week, as he just stares off into space?!