All The Questions I Had Watching ‘The Bachelors’ Premiere

Tell us you love Punkee without telling us you love Punkee. Sign up to our newsletter, and follow us on Instagram and Twitter. It'll mean the world.

The Bachelors premiered Monday night and, by now, we all know the drill. This season is different! There are THREE Bachelors! It was filmed on the Gold Coast! There are going to be PROPOSALS!

And no word of a lie was spoken in the newly revamped Bachy world. The season premiere stripped away everything we once knew about the show: forget the red carpet arrivals, forget the first cocktail party in the mansion, and forget Osher solemnly clinking his wedding ring on a wine glass to remind us all he’s found love and maybe EVERYONE else can too.

(Can you help me, Osher? After all these years?)

The show kicked off with our Bachelors — Jed, Thomas, and Felix — going on blind dates, each Bachelor being gifted 10 roses to give out to invite their pool of ladies back to the Gold Coast.

We saw Jed face rejection straight up (which he handled, uh, so well), we saw Thomas gallivanting around giving out roses like he was Oprah giving out free cars, and we saw Felix just be… well, really horny.

You can imagine after watching the new format for nearly two hours, we had a lot of questions. So let’s just get straight into it.

All the questions I had after watching The Bachelors premiere:

 osher the bachelors premiere

1. OK, so the new format involves the Bachelors being able to spy on their ladies from the Bach pad and vice versa? Is that not… illegal?

2. What happened to Osher’s promo hair?

osher the bachelors premiere

3. What exactly IS Thomas’ MLM scheme?

If this is why he’s so zen, I may need to join it.

4. Is Jed auditioning for Tiger King here?

the bachelors premiere

Also why does this footage of him look like something I’d stage for MySpace in 2006, lmao.

the bachelors premiere

5. Surely Catelyn was just a paid actor to come on and reject Jed to start the show off in a dramatic fashion?

“I’d love to stay in contact!”, babe, what? Why would she want to be friends with Jed after knowing him for 10 whole minutes?

the bachelors premiere catelyn

6. Is Jed literally going to wallow about being rejected for the rest of his life?

Mate, join the club.

7. UM, when did this show get SO horny?

8. AND WHY DO I FEEL MORE ALONE THAN EVER?

Don’t get me wrong, I don’t want to be rolling in paint with Felix. Maybe being alone is OK.

9. Does Thomas know he has an unlimited amount of roses? Is he just going to fall in love with everyone at first sight?

Mood.

10. And can Thomas actually give me tips on how to leave a bad date?

The Bachelors premiere

Because I need them.

11. Tash just said her standards are higher than her heels (which are HIGH), but was engaged to Michael Turnbull? Does that it even make sense?

Didn’t he lie about being a Socceroo once, lol.

12. Also she clearly hates Jed, right?

tash the bachelors premiere

Well, I guess she was expecting Felix.

13. Why does Thomas get romantic Notebook-style dates and Felix gets a birth class?

Actually I’ll answer that… maybe it’s preluding Felix is a big manchild.

14. Was blurring this necessary?

Felix birth class The Bachelors

Suddenly my disastrous first dates don’t seem as bad.

15. Do any of these men know how to kiss without eating the other person’s face?

the bachelors premiere

16. Once the girls all find out there are THREE Bachelors, are they allowed to pick another one if it turned out they were more attracted to one of the others?

That is the kind of drama I’d be here for.

17. Will Osher ever clink his wedding ring on a wine stem again?

I feel lost.

18. Will the bromance between the Bachelors be the actual love story of this season?

19. How the hell did this show manage to hook me in again so fast after all these years?

This is sickening. I can’t wait for tonight’s episode.

–

The Bachelors is forcing itself back onto our TV screens tonight at 7:30 on Channel 10 and 10play. The network has chained me to my lounge to force me to watch it as a form of shock therapy to stop dating bad men.