The 20 Sexiest ‘Shrek’ Characters To Celebrate The Film’s 20th Anniversary
This year officially marks two whole decades since cinematic history was forever changed — when the greatest, unparalleled piece of art ever to be produced graced theatres around the globe. We are, of course, talking about Shrek.
And what better way to celebrate such a momentous occasion and iconic piece of pop culture than to lovingly look back and rank characters based on hotness?
No time to waste, let’s get Shrexy.
The 20 sexiest Shrek characters, ranked:
#20 Pied Piper
Sure, he may have only played a small role in the fourth (and worst) film in the series Shrek Forever After, but give me a skinny e-boy with a lifeless look behind the eyes and throw in some musical abilities and you’ve secured yourself a spot on the list.
Pipe by name, PIPE by nature, if you get what I mean… (dick size).
#19 Humpty Dumpty
You know the tale, Humpty Dumpty sat on a wall, had a fall etc. etc. But answer me this riddle, will you: when is that handsome thick boy going to jump on and snap my neck?!
If you’re blind to his handsomeness, find comfort in the fact he gives off major elite private school vibes and probably comes from money — that’s hot.
#18 Evil Trees
It’s no secret the two Evil Trees in Shrek the Third give off huge cottagecore vibes. Like, pick me up with your big, strong, splintery tree hands and carry me far away to a cute little lakeside house where we can be happy and simply vibe, daddies.
#17 Magic Mirror
You can’t deny the fact Magic Mirror is handsome — a bone structure to die for and a vocal register so smooth he’d make reading the phone book sound sexy. But, he’s also magic which is a huge drawcard for the featureless babe forever trapped in a glass prison.
Plus, with no legs makes it super difficult for him to leave you due to residual deep-seeded trauma :).
#16 Big Bad Wolf
Besides being a total otter with enormous big dick energy, the Big Bad Wolf PAVED THE WAY for gender norms in a time when it wasn’t even a discussion. We bow to thee, sexy king.
#15 Three blind mice
Three’s COMPANY! This trio truly sit on the fence between sexy and cute, but we’re edging them towards the sexy side because of their immaculate style and British accents. Not sure why Shrek was complaining, they can nibble on my ear any day.
#14 Lord Farquaad
He may have never been king, but Lord Farquaad can rule over my entire ass.
#13 Snow White
She looks pretty good for a dead bitch. Beyond being hot while she sleeps (a skill in itself) she’s an independent girl who doesn’t need any developmentally challenged men to look after her.
She fully defeated the cottagecore daddies (see #18 on the list) by simply spitting some bars. That’s sexy.
#12 Duloc Mascot
Four words: what that mouth do? Would bang on one condition — the costume stays on.
#11 Queen Lilian
Truly the glue that keeps Far Far Away Castle together. Plus, a total widowed (RIP Harold) GILF who could absolutely get it.
#10 Thelonious
Ah, my stupid hot king. Not a thought behind those eyes, is there? We may have never seen his face but look deep into those eye holes and tell me you can’t tell he’s packing absolute heat.
Puts the D in Dulock.
#9 Doris
What’s sexier than confidence, and what’s more confident than a woman who lives her truth unapologetically. A true testament that you can be both feminine and strong. I would die for Doris.
#8 Monsieur Robin Hood
Tell ya what, if I was walking through the bush and this one tried to pick me up I wouldn’t have caused as much of a fuss as Fiona did. Stick a fork in me, I am DONE.
Hot, but the kind of guy who would be a great time until he rolls off you and starts mansplaining how inflation works in his bitch-ass accent despite you majoring in economics at uni.
#7 Shrek (ogre)
Is it just me or are things starting to feel a little swampy?
What would be a list of sexy Shrek characters without the big green thot himself? The fact he lived in solitude for almost all of his life? Mysterious. Makes candles out of earwax? Sustainable. Could crush my windpipe easily? Hot.
#6 Mongo
Not that size matters, but this big-as-shit cookie king has my heart. His dying words may have been, “be good,” but Mongo… let’s be bad.
#5 Prince Charming
He’s tall, he’s naturally a platinum blonde, and he’s completely delusional which is really hot. The type of guy to curate his Instagram feed like his life depended on it, but when you go to show him memes he just doesn’t get it.
It’s okay though because his detachment and mummy issues mean he’ll be super loyal.
#4 Fairy Godmother
Fairy Godmother wasn’t scared of ogres, she embraced her curves, and snatched wigs on the daily.
Before we dive into our top three, some honourable mentions who didn’t make the list: Donkey, Puss In Boots, Gingy, Pinocchio, and the Three Little Pigs. All cute, but not sexy.
#3 Fiona (ogre)
I’m no Shakespeare, but “by night one way, by day another” literally translates to lady on the streets, FREAK in the sheets. Body crazy, curvy, wavy, big titties, lil’ waist. Queen!
#2 Human Shrek
The Shrek series taught us that beauty is only skin deep. That everyone deserves love, and by being our authentic selves and loving ourselves unconditionally, we might just find it too.
Honestly fuck that though because when Shrek woke up from his potion-induced nap he didn’t look like snack, he looked like a whole-ass buffet.
#1 Dragon
When Megan Thee Stallion rapped, “gobble me, swallow me,” Dragon really said “OK.”
Whether you like to admit it or not, this big majestic bitch carried the entire franchise. She invented winged eyeliner, sparked the trend of tattooed lip liner, and kept it tight 100% of the time.
She’s got a point, she’s an icon, she’s a legend and she is the moment. Come on now!