We Can Predict The Rest of Your 2020 Based On How You Killed Your Sims
If you grew up playing The Sims and didn’t do something a little depraved to them, you’re flat out lying.
Looking back, it’s super questionable as kids or teenagers we spent so much time figuring out the best way to torture our little simulation people. But let’s not dive into that, we’re all fragile right now.
With lockdown restrictions affecting all our daily lives, there has never been a better time to redownload The Sims. Ironic, isn’t it, that the high of controlling these Sims just doesn’t feel the same? No longer do we want to drown them out of pure spite. Now we just want them to go out and get jobs, have parties, and form romantic relationships because we can’t do it ourselves.
Somewhere, one of my tortured, haunted Sims from 2004 is laughing at me. Perhaps they are in control of me now. I am the Sim with the shining green plumbob and they are cackling wildly at me walking from room to room in my house, looking confused with nowhere to go.
2020 hasn’t been a good year, there’s no gentle way of putting it.
So out of pure boredom we’ve decided to tune into our psychic abilities* and guess how your 2020 is going to pan out based on how you killed your Sims.
*May or may not be the rantings of a sleep-deprived, house-crazy woman in her late-20s.
You really enjoyed that feeling of power as you deleted that pool ladder and forced your Sim to flail around before they finally succumbed and went under. How does it feel to be powerless now? Probably pretty shit. As the old saying goes, karma is a bitch.
As a punishment, in 2020 you won’t be swimming again. Forget the beaches, forget your local pool, forget the feeling of freedom as you run into the water on a hot day and dive under and all your troubles disappear. You can try and recreate that in the shower if you want, but let me tell you, it just won’t be the same. However, swallowing your own tears will remind you of the sea.
On the plus side, your hair will be healthier than it’s ever been in its life. Long, luscious, not dried out by the ocean or chlorine. Enjoy that, because that’s all you’ll have.
Yikes. It takes a badass bitch to get this job done. Not only could you cooly ignore your Sim’s desperate pleas and clutches at their stomach, you probably sat there with the sound turned on to hear every last minute of their suffering.
In 2020 you will be shit out of luck when it comes to finding flour, eggs, or pasta. Did you think you were going to become a good cook in isolation? Think again. Not only will you not be able to Insta story your bread-making mission, it also means that bread-making thot you’ve had your eye on won’t be sliding into your DMs anytime soon either. Sure, you can try and DM them saying “let’s get this bread” but when you have nothing to show for it, what’s the point?
A positive for you in 2020 is that you’ll be so starved of normal, human attention that you’ll flourish when it comes to taking care of your plants. Go you!
Ahhh the classic recipe. A nasty, cheap oven + an unskilled Sim cooking and voila, watch it all go up in flames. Literally. This was a savage move but one of the faster ways to kill your Sims, so maybe you’re actually a nice person? Lol, just kidding.
In 2020, you’re going to be really tested with constantly broken goods. Just when you think you’ve cured your boredom, your Wii is going to drop dead and not be resuscitated. You’ll drop your laptop and it’ll never be the same. You’ll 100% smash your phone the one time you decided to leave the house.
Your TV will be permanently stuck on Channel 10’s morning talk show in an ongoing loop. Soon Joe Hildebrand will pop up in your dreams every single night. Literally… every. single. time. you. close. your. eyes.
So what’s good for you in 2020? Everything around you may be turned to shit but your skin will be glowing. So much time for face masks and they’re hard to break. Embrace it.
Your Sim has no mechanical skills and you made them fix the TV? This was either a horrible accident or you were waiting eagerly on the edge of your seat for shit to go down. You’re an absolute psycho.
In 2020, you’ll be suffering from pain everywhere. We’re talking lower back, neck, and shoulders. Your once vibrant, energetic, youthful body will turn hunched and old, 60 years before your time. You’ll do one sit up and your neck will crack so loudly you’ll have to avoid exercise for a whole week. But man, the emotional pain too. All your Tinder matches will ghost you and your Hinge ones will only say the words “virtual drinks” before also disappearing in a flash of light.
What will 2020 teach you though? Self-love. Start with yoga. Then maybe buy a vibrator. Experience all forms of self-love inside and out. You’ve got this.
OK, we get it, you’re a good person! Your Sim lived a long, fulfilling life and then died of natural causes as an elder, surrounded by family and friends no doubt. Didn’t stop that old man from still haunting his family and scaring the shit out of them at night, but that’s Sims for you I guess.
In 2020 you’ll be stuck at home (duh) but using it to your advantage by reading, and cooking, and probably learning how to make your own coffee scrub or something. You’ll be the kind of person growing your own herb garden. You’ll tell your family and friends to meditate and start sentences by saying “namaste” with the authority of a white girl.
You’ll talk so much about personal growth in 2020 that your friends will begin to mute you on social media. Just remember in six months or so to touch base with them again and talk about something other than yourself, and things will get back on track again for you. Namaste.