10 Years of Tinder: 10 Things I’ve Learned About Dating Men
Dating apps aren’t actually designed to help you find love, no matter what message they try to sell you.
Does Bumble really empower women by telling them to make the first move? Is Hinge really designed to be deleted? Is Tinder the best place to be after a long-term breakup? Ultimately the apps are designed for a purpose and that is for you to use them, rely on them, and perhaps even become addicted to them.
When you’re single it’s hard to meet people on the apps but it’s just as hard to meet them off the apps. So we become reliant on them to date, and then we get disappointed by them when we don’t meet people we’re attracted to, so we delete them, get bored again and re-download with the eternal optimistic thought that “maybe this time, I’ll find someone”. It’s happened to a friend of a friend who met their partner on Tinder and they seem happy, right? It could be me next time.
Tinder turns 10
This year, Tinder turned 10. Nine years ago, I wrote an article about spending a week on Tinder when it still felt like this new, slightly embarrassing concept: like you had to make fun of it if you were on it, because it was embarrassing to admit that you were using an app to connect with someone.
Fast forward to now, and it’s so normal and ingrained in dating culture that no one would blink twice if you said you met your partner on a dating app — the only surprise now may be that you did actually meet someone you wanted to date longer than a month. Another failed Tinder date isn’t a groundbreaking story, it’s just par for the course. Your coupled-up friends love to have two margs and then ask to “play” on your Tinder, so they can see what they’re missing out on while also smugly being relieved that it’s not them stuck swiping through.
my friends swiping tinder for me the whole night: 😆
me now that i actually have to text people: 😐— pia (@phantombilder) October 9, 2022
It’s been nearly five years now since my last longterm relationship ended and I’ve been on and off Tinder for the last 4.5 years. I’ve had dates, I’ve made friends, I’ve had hookups, I’ve pledged to never download it again, I’ve caved and swiped through, convincing myself that I could be missing a potential good thing because if I’m not on it, how would I know?
Are we dating people or are we dating the apps?
I’ve now been in a longer relationship with Tinder than any person I’ve ever been with in my life. I met my ex-partner on Tinder in 2013 and after we broke up in 2017, I noticed the nature of dating apps had changed: it seemed much harder to find someone but not impossible. Now, throw in a pandemic, numerous lockdowns, and being set free again over the last five years and these days dating apps are almost an unconscious thought, a swipe through in the ad breaks of MAFS, a repeat of the same mundane conversations about jobs and weekends and rinse and repeat until one of us dies of boredom or ghosts each other.
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The apps aren’t the problem really, we are. “Dating apps are fucked,” we scream to our friends, finishing our wine, stuck in our never-ending victim mentality. “No one good is on them! I deserve better than this!”
If only we all had the power to, I don’t know, not engage in the vicious cycle.
Still somehow, maybe naively, there is hope for us single pringles out there. The hope that swirls after meeting someone and going on a good date. The hope of a holiday fling. The hope of having a connection fizzle out romantically, but gaining a new friend. The hope of having a laugh at terrible dating app bios with friends when everything else in the world is all doom and gloom. The hope of being in a conversation that actually makes you excited to open the app. The flickering, never-ending hope of maybe next time…
So, as someone who’s been on Tinder on and off for the last 10 years, I present to you the learnings I’ve had about dating men along the way.
1. He’s not playing a game, he’s just not that into you.
The amount of precious time I’ve wasted convincing myself that I’m trapped in a game with some 5/10. You know the drill, if he takes 8 hours to write back then I’ll make him sweat by taking a day to reply, as if he even fucking notices. Chances are, you’re playing a game with yourself not the person on the other end of the phone. Which leads me to…
2. If he’s into you, he will make the effort.
As it turns out, it’s pretty simple. If he wants to see you, he’ll organise it. If he wants to hear from you, he’ll message. If he says he’ll be in touch in two weeks after taking some time to clear his head and doesn’t message, he lied. We tend to overcomplicate things by focusing on the grey areas instead of the black and white that’s in front of us. “Oh but he emoji reacted to my selfie I put up to deliberately get his attention.”
THE BAR IS FUCKING LOW! The man should be doing more than a fire emoji to your hot selfie and if he’s not, it’s time to move the fuck on!
3. Don’t mistake convenience for a crush.
It’s pretty obvious but if you’re only really hearing from him on a night out, it’s all convenience, not because he’s got a filthy crush on you. Sure, it’s easy to spin that a drunk text speaks a sober heart, but having met myself when I’m drunk I know that’s also not true.
4. Having a crush will make you ignore red flags.
The thing is when you’re wearing rose-coloured glasses, all flags are a red tinge really. But oxytocin is a hell of a drug, and it may make you shove to the side some little things that could send you spiralling later. Which leads me to.
5. Everyone will show you who they truly are and the signs will be there early on.
People may be on their best behaviour early in the dating game, but there’ll also be signs of who people truly are. This doesn’t have to be a bad thing, it’s just something to be aware of. All the information is in front of you if you’re looking closely enough.
I sometimes think about a situation that happened to me, where a guy told me a story of his night out with all these little caveats sprinkled in, unnecessary details that I didn’t ask about. It alerted my brain to something being off, but I was in the crush stage so I just wilfully ignored my gut feeling. Of course, eventually his white lies unravelled. People will always tell on themselves, so ultimately, trust your gut.
6. Don’t let his checklist change you.
There’s a difference between finding someone who aligns with your values and holding someone to a checklist of perfection that no human can ever live up to. There are must-haves and then there are “nice-to-haves”. If you desperately want kids it’s probably important to be aligned on that. If you like to go to the gym every morning it’s not a must that the person you’re dating has to be into it too.
I’m a big believer in creating a value list because I think every person you date teaches you something about what you do or don’t want in a future partner. But if a man has an insanely long checklist of things he’s looking for in a partner, don’t change for him… run. There’ll be someone out there who will accept you, just the way you are. Move over, Bruno Mars.
7. Your role isn’t to fix them or their past relationship traumas.
I am a reformed “fix it” person. Seeing a psychologist after a bad breakup taught me that I will not fix men and, in fact, it’s not my job to. They need to fix themselves. I used to place importance and self-worth on being the person that could “fix” their broken heart, past trauma, or prove that I’m just not like the other girls who “ruined” them because even I had a point where I’d feed into that toxic trope. If you fall into this trap, chances are your man probably needs to go to therapy. Also you probably do too.
8. Don’t base everything on the first hook-up*.
It’s nerve-wracking hooking up with someone for the first time and for a lot of Aussies it probably involves some liquid courage. If you like the person but your first kiss or first time was a little mediocre, you know what they say — practice makes perfect.
*Having said that, there are absolutely circumstances where some hook-ups don’t deserve a second chance. Trust your gut, you’ll know.
9. Emotional maturity is more important than being book smart.
Dating apps can make us insanely picky: just because someone’s made a grammatical mistake it doesn’t mean they aren’t worthy of your time. Just like you could match with a man who can use the right your/you’re but he could also have the emotional depth of a teaspoon.
10. Stop wasting your time — be upfront with your communication and if he can’t match you on that level, he’s not worth your time.
If your communication is too “intense” for him or he “doesn’t want to talk about it” then there’s no way to sugarcoat it bby – he’ll never meet you on your level.
Have dating apps made it hard for single people? Undeniably. But are we also shirking responsibility by blaming the apps? Absolutely.
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Author’s note: This post was originally published on Shit Straight Men Say, a newsletter about modern day dating and dating apps.