avengers endgame

‘Avengers: Endgame’ Is The Thiccest Superhero Movie Of All Time

Avengers: Endgame is smashing all kinds of records. But aside from being a box-office mega-success and a heartbreaker, we can’t forget the film’s most important contribution to society: its undeniable status as the thiccest superhero movie ever made.

Big, huge, thicc Avengers: Endgame spoilers ahead, friends…

Okay, here’s my very accurate take on Endgame.

Hulk Smash

The Hulk got hot.

He became a sensitive geek, a sweet baby bird who wears glasses and entertains kids with a twinkle in his eye. He also, and I cannot stress this enough, got incredibly thicc.

He’s the thiccest he’s ever been, a half-human, half-massive green machine that can smash Thanos to smithereens at 6pm and take you on a romantic date at 8.

Look honestly, I’ve never been attracted to Mark Ruffalo. But Thicc Hulk? Thicc Hulk can get it. He’s the perfect combo of book smarts and an ass that won’t quit.


The All-American Ass

Captain America, aka Chris Evans, aka the best Chris, aka don’t @ me if you disagree with that last one, gives us soft-core muscle porn in every movie.

But until now, we’ve all been too focused on his biceps to appreciate his true gift to the world — his perfect, thicc butt.

And that’s pretty much the main plot of Endgame.

When the gang travels back to 2012 to steal an Infinity Stone off their past selves, Ant-Man is the first to marvel at Cap’s incredible butt and say what we should all be thinking: “You look great, Cap. As far as I’m concerned, that’s America’s ass.”

After Cap defeats his younger self in a fierce (and very hot) fight, he takes a moment to appreciate his handiwork. Instead of delivering a funny one-liner about fighting your past, Cap speaks the truest line in the entire movie: “That is America’s ass.” God bless America.


Thicc Thunder Boy

Famously, the superheroes get larger in every Marvel movie, as does my interest in Marvel movies. But in Endgame, Thor really blows this trope wide open. “Wide open,” because he’s so big that no regular doorway can contain him.

Thor gets the first shirtless scene in the movie, but the God of Thunder has traded in his abs for a beer gut and his magical armour for a pair of dirty crocs.

Maybe it’s because Australians are taught from birth that the Hemsworths are our sexiest claim to fame, or maybe it’s because he owns his new hobo-chic look, but people are into the new Thor, who’s curvier than ever. Out of the entire Infinity Saga, Endgame Thor packs the most junk in his trunk.


Thanos

People were kinda into Thanos in Infinity War despite the whole killing and purging thing, but hooo boy, our main man looks bigger than ever? The farm life suits this giant purple walking pair of glutes.

It’s only when we see Thanos picking eggplants and cooking like a domestic goddess in a XXXXXL grey shirt that we can truly appreciate how massive he is under all of his pretty armour.

Literally every Marvel movie is made to thirst watch, but Endgame is like drinking a choc-mint thickshake.