17 Things That Happened On ‘Bachelor In Paradise’, Episode Two

Welcome back to another recap of Bachelor In Paradise, which is basically a show centred around horny adults going on a free Schoolies 2.0 trip. I guess my invite was lost in the mail.

Tonight we had an intruder waltz in to really kick off some drama, while some newly-formed couples forged closer connections and more importantly: Glenn and Niranga both got to speak at one stage!

Can we also just talk about how these two are the most lusted over men in Australia right now? Honestly, we all need to go to therapy.

Let’s recap what went down on Bachelor in Paradise, episode two:

1. We learn Cass and Mary still don’t seem over the Abbie drama from The Bachelor season. Cass calls Abbie “tragic” and Mary is more concerned Abbie will wave her sexual wand around.

Sorry, but what is a sexual wand and where do I get one?

Mary also had this iconic line to say about Ciarran.

She’s not wrong.

2. Abbie was given a date card and chose Ciarran. Cass was thrilled for her.

Loyal Cass wanted to also take Ciarran, her friend’s ex-boyfriend on a date but missed her shot. I’d say maybe this is a sign from the universe to like… not date your friend’s ex.

Ya know?

3. Jamie ranted and raved about who he was going to give his rose to, so Timm had to find an escape route.

Me whenever someone actually asks to go on a second date.

In my dreams, Timm is paddleboarding past Ivan doing a sad dance, before also paddling on past Jarrod who’s still trudging home after Sophie Monk’s season.

4. Litney revealed her crush on Jamie and the feelings seemed mutual. I think? Depending on what he meant by this?

“I feel like Jamie’s smart but not too smart which is great for me and he’s actually quite funny,” Litney said, which checks out really.

5. The pool boy friendzoned Mary, saying he felt more of a connection with Helena.

In case you need a refresher, this is him. Haters will say it’s fake.

Mary took the news well, looking like all of us when a straight man talks.

“I don’t share food, I don’t share chips, I don’t share chocolate, so why do I have to share a guy?” Mary questioned, which is actually a line I once said to my ex-boyfriend who already knew this information because he nicknamed me the Gobbledok.

And when push comes to the shove, I’d rather get rid of a boyfriend before I share my chips.

Anyway, sorry where were we?!

6. Jess from Matt Agnew’s season entered. I’m not sure who Jess or Matt Agnew even are at this point.

“I have my two secret weapons, my personality and my charisma,” Jess joked, gesturing towards her boobs. Ugh. Smart. I need to stop calling mine Liam and Miley, two star-crossed lovers always trying to separate from each other.

7. We learned there’s no love lost between Cass and Jess.

Jess was surprised to see Cass in paradise because she figured she wasn’t exciting enough for it, while Cass greeted Jess by screaming “you’ve lost so much weight!”

8. Abbie and Ciarran sat in the middle of a puddle for their date and pashed.

I mean, it was a beautiful setting but I just couldn’t stop thinking about how annoying it must be to just have a wet butt the whole time and act like that’s normal and comfortable. But what would I know about romance?!

“Clearly nothing, pet!” My next door neighbour Doris said, leaning over the balcony. “I haven’t seen a man in your apartment in three years!”

She’s not wrong.

9. Jamie revealed his giant man crush on Timm, also known as “Big Sexy”.

Weirdly enough, Big Sexy is what I call my Oodie.

10. Britt and Timm were forced to bathe together to fill the bath quota for this season.

Britt is hellbent on telling us that she’s never had a crush on someone like Timm before, but as Litney would say “hellOOOOOOO??”

Remember how it went last time you fell for an Aussie larrikin Britt?

For the love of God, someone protect her.

11. Jess was stoked to see Ciarran in paradise, so she made her move after his date with Abbie.

Ciarran said there was no chemistry between himself and Abbie, and Cass is long forgotten about (RIP). So somehow Ciarran and Jess ended up making out nearly straight away?

Go off, it is adult Schoolies after all.

12. Litney decided it was time to take Jamie on a date, but then he dropped that he’s not vibing with anyone, making our girl incredibly upset.

NONE OF THIS IS OK.

DEAR MEN OF AUSTRALIA, YOU DO NOT LEAD LITNEY ON, THEN FRIENDZONE HER.

13. Niranga finally got to say a sentence.

“I saw a Tarzan walking past my room,” he said, describing Ciarran’s mission to have a little playtime with Jess.

Fuck, this was a big moment for our boy. Brings a tear to the eye.

14. A rose ceremony was announced, and Jamie decided he’s into Helena, much to her delight.

15. Abbie contemplated how she got into this situation with so many shit choices when it came to the men on the island.

It’s basically like Tinder IRL.

I bet one of them has even posed with a fish on the island.

16. After promising his rose to Litney, Jamie then tried to tell Abbie she’d be fine and that he promises he’d “find a rose” for her.

Look, he’s a polarising figure but bless his soul. Jamie is just living on Friendship Island right now and wants all his mates to stay. I bet if that man could pick a petal off each rose to give to everyone so no one would ever go home, he would. And there’s something so sweet about that it makes me emotional.

Or I’m just emotional because I haven’t had human interaction in so long and I’ve had to watch this episode about three times to write this, it’s hard to tell sometimes.

17. At the rose ceremony, Janey and Abbie were left roseless.

If anything, maybe this has been the greatest escape for the both of them. They are the true heroes of this story.

I hope Janey has gone back to a world full of glitter and unicorns and rainbows, and I hope Abbie is the Bachelorette this year.

I said what I said.

See y’all next week!