13 Things That Happened On The Premiere Of ‘Celebrity Apprentice’
Celebrity Apprentice Australia kicked off Sunday night and it had all we could ever ask for: drama, chaos, an acoustic rendition of ‘Untouched‘, and hot David is back on our screens at long last.
If you don’t know much about the show previous to episode one, don’t worry neither did I. So what better person to take you through a recap of what happened? “There’d actually be much better people…” I hear you start to say, and you’re right. But unfortunately at Punkee, we signed a contract with Australia’s free-to-air TV channels a long time ago to never rest in between seasons of MAFS, The Bachelor, Survivor and whatever other shows they throw our way. And yes, I signed it with my blood.
All you need to know is the aim of the game is the celebrities are competing against each other to win money for charity, and have to battle it out in certain tasks to see if they have the staying power to outlast each other.
Oh, and they’re judged by this man: Lord Alan Sugar, a wealthy billionaire who pops up when you least expect him.
Me watching my Menulog order inch closer to me.
He also has a team of advisors to help him decide who gets fired but more on that later.
Me catching my reflection on a Zoom call on Monday morning.
You can meet the full cast of Celebrity Apprentice here. I could list them all out for you but that would make for an insanely boring recap, and time is of the essence. As in, I want to finish this recap soon so I can have a margarita.
So let’s get into what happened on the premiere episode of Celebrity Apprentice Australia.
1. Our celebrities are divided into two teams: a red team and a blue team. Lord Sugar, aka Sugar Daddy, has planted two undercover spies in each team who are ACTUALLY his advisors.
The Veronicas, Hot David from Survivor, and Martha from MAFS are put together in one team, the red team. The other team (blue) has people who exist, and breathe, and walk, and smile. Apparently they’re also famous.
Sugar Daddy gets to know the contestants. Martha says she’s a “digital content creator” which is hilarious, because that is exactly what I am and last time I checked I didn’t get paid to look good and influence people. Actually looking at my latest bank balance, I’d like to predict I haven’t been paid at all. “Study journalism,” they said! “And you too can go on to write absolutely inane shit that is read by three people and go into serious debt.”
We also meet Alex who got lost on his way to trial HSC exams, and I realise Blue Team has Anthony Callea in it. I didn’t notice at first because he hadn’t walked into the room belting an impressive rendition of ‘The Prayer’, which is what I thought he always wheeled out for every TV appearance.
TFW you had some spare time in between trial HSC exams and surf trials.
2. A from Pretty Little Liars pops up to give the teams a clue for their first challenge. “Surprise bitches,” A writes.
Fuuuck, someone check their tooth to see if A left the second clue in there!
The clue is actually a spray-painted image of Sugar Daddy – this means, the first task is all about the celebrities monetising and leveraging their image and brand to rake in the dollars for the charities.
3. The teams go off to create art, which is what I say to my boss every time I decide I’m going to write about one of these shows.
They also come up with their respective names: Blue Team decided to call themselves ‘The Fun-Raisers’. Get it? (It’s like fundraiser, but they’re putting the FUN in raising FUNDS! Do you get it???) and Wippa is named the project manager.
Shaynna is named project manager for the Red Team, who call themselves Team Momentum. Get it? (It’s like… fuck, never mind).
4. Team Red, aka Team Momentum, talk art.
Shaynna chooses the three art muses for the task at hand: The Veronicas (who count as one person on this show), Olympic gymnast Olivia, and Alex volunteers his idea much to the confusion of Hot David. Alex’s idea for his art piece is to take a selfie depicting the world is in danger and we need to be doing more to help it. It’s exactly the type of art piece I’d pitch in Year 9 Design & Tech, just so I could go outside and collect some twigs and stare at the ground for a bit, wondering what it’d be like to live a life as one of the school’s alpacas.
Undercover Janine puts forth that Hot David should be considered as a muse (“You can be my muse David,” I say to my laptop. It doesn’t reply.) but Shaynna isn’t having a bar of it.
How I imagine David looks when he devours every word of my shitty little recap.
5. As the teams prepare, The Veronicas have a fight in their confessional about… I mean, I don’t really know what. I’ve transcribed it below.
“Can you just say it please” Jessica screams at Lisa. “My patience is getting thin.”
“If you know what needs to be said, please say it!” she continues.
“OK I’m just letting you know something, you’re being a bit much,” Lisa replied.
“I’m irritated!” one of them said. “All I need from you is for you to say it, rather than tell me how to say it!”
“I need to take a moment after that, OK? Please stop,” the other said.
6. Over on Team Blue, aka The Fun-Raisers (do you get it??), Wippa springs into action for his team, deciding the piece of art the world needs to see is his dad bod.
Did you hear that sound? It’s the sound of men on Tinder everywhere rejoicing. “Finally!” they cry. “Women will actually take notice of the line in my bio ‘working on my dad bod!'”. OK, fine! We get it! But as soon as I say “working on my mum bod”, you won’t match me?! GROW UP.
Anthony also puts forth his art piece – a portrait showing him tied up (not in a kinky way… I think) before showing him free and happy. It depicts his struggle growing up and learning to accept himself and it’s actually really sweet. Fashion designer Camilla Franks also tugs on the heartstrings with her piece, painting her body to depict her battle with cancer.
Janine is starting to panic because her team isn’t getting any sort of hustle on with trying to find bidders, while Wippa, waiting for the plaster mould guy to be done with Olivia, has started calling contacts for Team Blue to sell their auction pieces.
7. Meanwhile, Martha has no idea what she’s doing but lets us know she’s been helping out everyone.
Alex then unveiled his art piece to everyone, which was… well it was something that happened.
As you can see, the crowd went wild!
Upon seeing Alex’s artwork, Martha calls it a “trauma to look at” and tells the group they should make a new art piece last minute. Shaynna vetoes that idea, and Alex’s skateboard selfie makes it through to the auction.
8. Back on Team Blue, Wippa is stuck: a man with a simple dream to promote the dad bod has now become a man filled with regret.
Wippa gets to experience the feeling of all his body hair being ripped off, as he gets extracted from the mould. Most women just call that Saturday self-care.
Never tell this man what happens when you get a Brazilian.
9. Let’s move onto the auction! Camilla’s portrait gets auctioned off for $15k and we see a familiar face in the crowd.
This kind of shit should come with a trigger warning for former Bachy recappers.
10. The Veronicas auction off the guitar they painted dots on by singing ‘Untouched’ and raking in a whopping $60k, closing the night with Team Momentum in the lead.
11. A new day dawns and it’s time for us to celebrate the most iconic person on the show so far: Sugar Daddy’s receptionist.
Her poise, her elegance, her steely glare, her purposeful walk – she’s everything I want to be and more.
12. Sugar Daddy announces to the group that Janine and Lorna were his two secret spies and everyone is SHOOK! We then get to the stage of the secret auction and find out which team raised the most money for their chosen charity.
“I didn’t know who you were Lorna and I STILL don’t.”
Sugar Daddy constantly questions why David didn’t do a model shot vs. Alex’s… whatever Alex’s portrait was. Sugar Dads really can’t get over the fact that David wasn’t used, and girl, same.
WHY WASN’T DAVID USED?
The power he and Janine could’ve combined to create something special… like this…
The silent auction winners were announced and Wippa’s team came out on top – and yes, Wippa’s dad bod really did push them over the line (a sentence I never thought I’d say). Wippa got Coles on board and raised $55k for his artwork. Anthony’s piece also brought in $30k, while Alex’s bidders that promised him big money fell through only bringing in $13.5k.
After the winning team was dismissed, Wippa had an emotional moment thinking of all the money they raised for osteosarcoma cancer and it’s actually a really sweet scene in amongst all the chaos. Who said reality TV shows couldn’t be wholesome!
13. Alex and Martha go head to head in Sugar Daddy’s boardroom to find out which one of them is about to get fired.
Team leader, Shaynna, joins them and gets berated once again for the fact she chose Alex over David. Sugar Daddy is a man after my own heart. Martha pleads her case to Sugar Daddy, saying that she wasn’t given a task so Shaynna should be shouldering the responsibility of that — not Martha. Alex however, doesn’t think he should be fired because he’s a better team player than Martha.
Martha quickly shuts him down by throwing a glass of wine over his hea- just kidding. Martha shut Alex down by calling out his artwork and the fact that his buyers didn’t come through and this carries on for some time, before Sugar Dads finally decides to fire someone: and spoiler, no it wasn’t me! We’re nearly done, I promise.
We bid farewell to Alex. RIP, we barely knew ye.
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The Celebrity Apprentice returns Monday night, 7:30pm on Channel Nine.