Oh what a shock, I’m already hooked on FBOY Island
Jesus fkn Christ.
FBoy Island Australia premiered on Binge yesterday, dropping the first episode of the highly anticipated second season.
It was cursed. And I mean that as the highest compliment.
Hosted by Australia’s bestie and FBoy hunter, Abbie Chatfield, the episode was ridiculous from start to finish and you’d better believe I will be watching every minute of this season.
Episode one opens with a voiceover from the three female leads, Nicole, Krystal and Ally that makes me want to fast-track my next therapy appointment.
Ally, Krystal and Nicole aka the FBOY girlies. Image credit: Binge
“Typical FBoy behaviour is inconsistency, breadcrumbing, lying, gaslighting, toxic behaviour, manipulating, love-bombing, ghosting, cheats, they bloody do it all! And that ladies and gentlemen, is FBoy Island.”
We see visions of a giant eggplant emoji on the beach on fire underscored by operatic music, and I’m reminded instantly of why I love this series: it’s batshit crazy. Unlike other dating reality shows, FBoy Island Australia straight up takes the piss out of the genre and leans into the chaos.
Credits roll, and our golden goddess Abbie introduces the show.
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“FBoys. Just like a virus, they’re mutating. The next global catastrophe is upon us. For women, things are bad. Real bad. Right now, there are more strains of Fboy than ever. Without a vaccine, there’s only one thing that will stop these men from infecting our hearts, souls and holes.”
I repeat: Jesus fkn Christ.
“Three incredible, independent women, looking for love,” Abbie concludes, as we’re introduced to our leads emerging from the water like Bond girls.
“I’m a model, but I’m not defined by just what I do. I’m really tired of men not bothering to try and get to know me, I deserve to be heard and not just seen, and that’s what I”m here to find,” Nicole explains.
“In the past, I only went for the hot boys. Still single, so it’s not gotten me anywhere. This year we’re focusing on the mids,” Krystal tells us, (I’m screaming). “Mids are more likely to be nice guys, and they’re great in bed secretly.”
“FBoys are definitely my forbidden fruit. I’ve had the unfortunate experience of the ultimate, devil-dick FBoy, who actually is one of the boys who was on the island last season. He made me realise everything I don’t want, so it’s time to switch diets,” Ally shares. We later learn that said devil-dick is none other than Vernon, aka vermin.
Abbie explains that there are 12 self-proclaimed “Nice Guys” looking for love and 12 FBoys looking for cash, and it’s up to the three leads (with Abbie’s help) to decipher who is who. We are introduced to a bunch of the men as they walk in slow-motion along the beach, and I honestly think I contracted chlamydia second-hand.
Abbie greets the cast and recaps last season, reminding them that the show has already produced “two full-blown serious relationships, multiple fully-fledged influencer careers and finally, most importantly, one AACTA nomination.” She introduces the ladies to the lads individually, and it’s all very horny.
When asked who has caught their attention, all three women are inexplicably drawn to a “man” aptly named Joe (remarkably average, if you ask me). He’s the “hot one” and I’m already a bit concerned for these gals if this is their taste, but what the fuck do I know hey?
Meet Average Joe of FBOY Island. Image credit: Binge
During the individual interviews, we start to meet the boyz and all of their job titles make me laugh. DJ? Alright mate. Rigger? That’s made up. Horse trainer?! Who authorised this!!!?
Abbie and the girls debrief while the guys get settled into their villa. Nicole shares that she’s over men who date multiple chicks at a time, Ally drops the Vernon bombshell and Krystal gets a little emotional opening up about the ultimate FBoy, her father. I am now even more invested in this group weeding out the dickheads and finding love.
Later that night, the cast parties on the beach for “Burning F Man”, and watching these straight men dancing is extremely confronting. We meet a few more of the boys, including Paddy (who you might recognise from The Bachelorette in 2018), Frank (who is fucking annoying) and… Jerome, a mulleted, moustached man donning an akubra who casually announces he loves licking ass. If I was attending this party, I would simply walk straight into the ocean and never return.
Oh, also, there’s some guy named Aaron on the island that Krystal knows from back home – a good mate of hers who she “might have sucked off.”
The ladies have some one-on-one chats, and Krystal chucks Paddy a pash, because she’s in her mids era. It’s a classic FBoy Island close-up squelchy kiss cam moment and I feel a little unwell about Paddy’s tongue. Fortunately, Krystal distracts me with a little black book where she takes notes about each man she encounters, mid-conversation. I love her tbh.
Krystal swinging right into my heart. Image credit: Binge
All the men seemingly like Nicole the most, which is unfair because all women are equal!!! Average Joe sits down with her and compliments her natural beauty. “A girl without makeup really does it for me,” he tells her. “Well I’m wearing a lot of makeup,” she tells the fuckwit. She’s literally wearing a winged, smokey-eye with crystals. They continue to chat and he’s so boring.
Poor Ally seems a little bit too keen on Joe, but is happy to sample from the “buffet” in the interim. When she finally gets some one-on-one time with him down by the water, Joe fakes chemistry with her and tells us in his interview he’s more interested in Nicole. Shut UP, Joe.
Anywhoooo, the next day each of the women go on a date. Krystal chooses Frank, as old mate Aaron had warned her against him at the party, and she wants to suss him out. Nicole chooses Jack, a big buff boy who seems smitten with her. Ally chooses Joe, I do not understand why.
Krystal grills Frank and he’s pissed that Aaron threw him under the bus. Nicole and Jack go for a jetski (he wears speedos under his boardies to suppress a boner), and they have a little smooch in the water (spoiler alert: he gets a boner). Ally and fkn Joe have a swim and a kiss and he then turns around and tells her he’s interested in Nicole, which leaves her in tears naturally.
Back at the villa, Frank returns from his date and arks up with Aaron. It’s really embarrassing but I love to see it. Jerome watches on and is honestly dead behind the eyes, which I also love to see.
Elimination ceremony time!
FBOY Island Australia season 2 elimination. Image credit: Binge
Abbie and the girls look hot af and the men need to learn how to apply sunscreen. We learn that Jake, some guy, literally ghosted the show after night one, which feels cosmically correct. Nicole sends home a man named Jin (later revealed as an FBoy), Ally boots Mitch (a supposed nice guy) and Krystal doesn’t ditch anyone because of Jake’s absence.
The episode ends with Abbie accompanying FBoy Jin to “Limbro”, where she finds a bearded Caleb from season one waiting for her. If you don’t remember Caleb, he was the one who commented on season one lead Molly’s vagina. Got that?
If this first episode is anything to go off of, we’re in for a bonkers season ahead.
Written by Lil Friedmann, who’s off to the doctors to check if you can contract chlamydia second-hand. You can follow her at @lilfriedmann on socials.
Image credit: Binge + Punkee