We Ranked Every One Of The Bachelor’s Suits From Butt Ugly To Pretty Schmick

Sometimes the Bachelor’s suits make him look like a handsome astro-banker, ready to compliment your mother. “You look like sisters!” he says. “Oh stop!” Mum blushes.

Other times Dr. Matt wears suits that make my eyeballs bleed. It’s a chronic condition and I need to see a doctor.

The Bachelor’s suits are a very mixed bag. So many suits, so many looks! Of such widely varying quality. Who is dressing this man? (A professional stylist and some clothes sponsors).

What we do know is that the Bachelor must be wearing a suit. It’s non-negotiable! What is it to be a Bachelor if you’re not wearing something tailored that makes you look like you have a big boy job? That you are worthy of the great task of having to break up with 27 women on national TV?

Because gender dynamics mean I’m expected to write about his suitors’ gowns rather than about how the Buff Space Man looks in a suit, I’ve decided to flip this. I’m going to say snarky things about what Bachy is wearing in the interest of equality.

Surprise! Rating the Bachelor’s suits is actually empowering!

This is every one of the Bachelor’s suits ranked.

14.

This suit hurts my eyes. Light suits and dark shirts don’t go together. A pink rose tie and a mismatched pocket square don’t go together. The only good thing about this look is Dr. Matt’s I-have-a-PhD glasses. Please, someone set this suit on fire.

13.

I simply hate this suit and dark shirt combo. The white pocket square and paint splatter?? tie. Take it back to the store (MJ Bale), Dr. Matt. I’m sure you have a receipt. It is the kind of suit Dad wears to his niece’s 21st, before he drinks eight bourbon and cokes and starts saying slightly unnerving things.

12.

It’s hometowns. The suits should have been getting better, not worse. This checked grey suit with a black shirt and tie makes Dr. Matt look like he could be the big business villain in a Marvel movie.

11.

It’s not the red suit that is the problem. It is the paisley shirt and plain white pocket square. This is an outfit for someone sartorially bolder than the Bachelor. If someone with sass wore this to an office function we’d say “YAAAAS!”.  But instead Dr. Matt looks uncomfortable.

10.

Pink tie on pink shirt is pink unimaginative and I don’t like it. The brown shoes with this odd shade of blue don’t work either. Please stop selling glasses wearing Bachy short. This is a suit that is appropriate for a baby shower board meeting, a crossover that absolutely should never have happened.

9.

This isn’t a suit, but episode seven was a garden party and I’m not leaving it out. Nothing about this look works, because Dr. Matt is not holding a croquet stick or lecturing anyone about the wonders of Bitcoin. Also, why doesn’t Dr. Matt own socks?

8.

This three-piece is less good than the other three-piece. It could be the same, but the matchy-matchy shirt and red tie make me feel weird, and not in a good way. It is neither bland nor bold, but instead has a strange austerity vibe – like when Nan needed to use all the fabric she bought, so she made you a skirt, a shirt, a dress and a hat in sunflower print.

7.

Double-breasted! A tie bar! What kind of fancy nonsense is this? How are the pieces of this, the maroon-dark grey combo, so posh, yet Dr. Matt looks like he’s in an early ’90s action film? Dr. Matt looks like a bodyguard, but I simply don’t feel safe.

6.

I have run out of thoughts about these suits, except to say that Dr. Matt is bursting out of the seams here, and perhaps someone could’ve just rented him a larger suit? Simply a suggestion, so the Hunky Space Boy feels more comfortable.

5.

This is emo in a suit, which is a perfect intersection of my very specific turn-ons.

4.

Wearing a tuxedo is good and classy, in a James Bond kind of way. Would accept one (1) martini from Dr. Matt.

3.

The blue of the suit and the blue of the tie and the blue in the pattern on his shirt bring out the blue in Dr. Matt’s eyes. He looks like he’s about to pull out a chair for me at a fancy restaurant. Chivalry! I like it! But I won’t be splitting the bill!

2.

At the start of the season, Matt’s suit looks were strong. A burgundy blazer and a skinny black tie? He’s going back to his fancy private school and he wants everyone to know that he has a number of degrees now. He just did something business-related at a business meeting. It’s business time.

1.

Dr. Matt could wear this three-piece to an important business lunch or to our wedding. That’s totally up to him.