the bachelors ranked

The Bachelors Ranked By How Much They Could Plant Their Rose In My Garden

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The Bachelors is wrapping up THIS Sunday and what a wild journey it’s been.

From open relationships to Bachelor-swapping and one contestant trying to desperately return for more screen-time, this series has been an absolutely chaotic shambles and tbh… we’ve loved every minute of it.

That’s not to say it hasn’t been confusing AF: we’re in finale week, some of the Bachelors are threatening to propose, and it feels like we don’t even know half the women still remaining. But, what’s life without a bit of chaos?

Which is why we’ve decided it’s time to finally rank the Bachelors from this season. We’ve seen different sides of all three, we’ve seen attempts at redemption, we’ve seen far too much tongue action, and over the three to four weeks we’ve swapped positions numerous times (get your mind out of the gutter) on who our fave is.

But now the truth must come out.

Here it is. The Bachelors ranked by how much we’d actually want to date them after watching their journeys on this deranged show. Or, you know, by how much they could plant a rose in my garden*.

*This is open to interpretation but if my mum is reading this, I am talking about a real garden. Not a metaphor or anything! Haha!

Last: Felix Von Hofe

What’s drier? The Sahara desert or every woman in Australia when Felix did this?

I get it: he’s tall and handsome. And that works for some people. Historically though I’ve always dated short kings so I am not that easily impressed by a man’s height. But my Lord, when a man can be emotionally unavailable and act like I’m not very important to him? Sign me up for life. So really, I should be attracted to Felix based solely on that, but maybe all the therapy I’ve had is finally working, as you see… I could never find that man attractive.

I can see how he is good-looking, but emotionally, he has no hold on me, and that’s saying a lot because when a man doesn’t text me back I fall in love with him. Unfortunately, my fallopian tubes tied themselves shut on their own when I first saw Felix make out with someone.

Felix is not allowed anywhere near my garden. Not even to look at it. Definitely not to water it. I do not want his rose. I do not want to make a rose shrub with him. I don’t even know what I’m talking about anymore or what this even means, but I’d rather my garden never bloom again. A thousand blossoms will NOT be bloomed. And in Far North Queensland, a person gets eaten by a croc ever-

Never mind.

Runner-up/Second Last: Thomas Malucelli

Thomas had me in the first half, I’m not going to lie. He’s hot, emotionally aware, has an accent, has tattoos, has that direct eye contact when talking to you like you’re the only person in the room… even I felt that, just simply watching him on my TV.

But the problem is, the more he kept talking, the more I felt like I was being pushed to join a cult. Breathwork? Eye gazing? Isagenix? But I wasn’t going to give up without a fight! Not everyone is perfect, plus Thomas looks like he’d be very good and attentive at the whole planting roses in your garden vibe. I think he’d put a lot of care into it.

For a while, I just muted my TV and simply watched him while tarot TikToks played in the background, my eyes diverted from Thomas and his muscles to some strange lady promising me the person I dated three months ago WOULD be in contact with me BY tomorrow.

It’s been a confusing time. And Thomas is a confusing person who — I’ve now realised — speaks like a programmed robot. Therefore, I don’t actually think he is a real person.

Thomas is a Sim.

I think some lonely woman who is very powerful, conjured him up as an animated character and then one night a weird storm struck after she manifested finding a man like him in real life and then she spat into an open fire, and he came to life. And he wandered out, and he’s been handing out roses to every attractive stranger he sees, and on date two, he politely asks if they can WooHoo for the purpose of procreation. And soon, he’ll be swimming in that big beautiful Bachelor pool and someone (his creator) will delete the ladder.

WATCH OUT, THOMAS.

Winner: Jed McIntosh

Historically, Jed was always my original type. I’ve always favoured a moody, sensitive musician with tattoos and a bad boy exterior: just ask anyone who knew me in my teens. And my 20s. And my 30s. And undoubtedly, my 40s.

But Jed is very young, and he didn’t start out great, we can all admit it. He had some softboi tendencies that gave him huge ‘walking red flag’ vibes. Luckily, for me, I see a red flag and I enjoy running straight into it. Wrap me up in that red flag and bury me, bury me. Look in my eyes, you’re killing me, killing me. Come break me dooooown. Etc.

Jed appears to have a sweet soul under the country emo kid exterior. Sure, he didn’t handle his first rejection super well. And yes, he then did act like every lady following that moment had personally wronged him in the speed dating era of The Bachelors.

But once his ego was put to the side, he formed some genuine connections and has been less about shoving his tongue down someone’s throat, and more about building a proper connection with the person so it feels right (as demonstrated with Bella).

Plus, his teary pep talk to Queen Bella when she was eliminated? As if that wasn’t one of the most beautiful moments to appear on this series? It didn’t make a lol of sense because we missed out on their overall connection, but it seemed very heartfelt!

Jed’s thrown himself into dates he’s terrified of, seems to actually listen when the girls open up to him, and isn’t a horny pash bandit (like Felix) or expecting the women to be a walking womb for him (like Thomas).

Therefore we deem Jed as… well… the best Bachelor. Out of this lot, anyways. But Matty J and Sam Wood, if you’re reading this, don’t worry, we still want your roses too.