We Mercilessly Rated The ‘MAFS’ Contestants Based On First Impressions
Give yourself a firm pat on the back. We got here! Married at First Sight finally made its grand return and I’m ready for chaos.
Tonight, we met all of the experiment’s brides and grooms, as they came together for their respective hen’s and buck’s nights. There was some standouts: among the girls both Samantha and Coco proved they would be dominating contestants this season, while over with the boys, Bryce and Brett got plenty of camera time.
The premiere also saw two couples meet at the altar and get married: Melissa and Bryce, along with Rebecca and Jake. The first actually proved to make a pretty adorable pairing, while Rebecca and Jake are going to be a disaster — a disaster that I can’t wait to watch play out.
After watching the premiere, we simply had to put together all our first impressions.
We Mercilessly Rated The Married At First Sight Contestants:
Melissa is an angel who must be protected at all costs. She’s softly spoken and seems extremely kind-hearted, and despite looking like THAT, she admits that she lacks confidence. Before her wedding, Melissa spoke about how her dad left when she was just one, and her only relationship ended when she was 19, after he told her he didn’t want to be with her anymore. Melissa struggles with abandonment issues, she currently lives alone, and has never been on date.
Melissa is looking for a partner who will help her get out of her shell, so is Bryce up to this task? Maybe! He seems like an outgoing, life-of-the-party person. But there’s already a red flag that has concerned Melissa: Bryce was engaged just six months ago. Melissa confides in her friends, “Six months does not sound very long, that’s huge” but tries to let it go, later saying, “I can’t be closed off, I need to keep an open mind.”
DO YOU, MELISSA??
Six months is not enough time to get over a five-year relationship. I worry that Melissa won’t follow her instincts, and her instincts should be telling her to run!
Most likely to: Apologise to someone when they bump into her.
Bryce is no stranger to fame, having worked in radio for the past decade. This makes me a bit suspicious — is he on the show for love, or to further his career? As we found out tonight, he only got out of a relationship six months ago, so I’m not confident that he’s the correct match for Melissa.
On the plus side, Bryce said that he can help his partner come out of their shell, and when Melissa told him that it’s been 12 years since her last relationship, he replied “yeah, right” — like she had just told him she has a pet lizard named Magnamus. He could have embarrassed her in this moment, but he was sweet.
Back on the negative side, Bryce did mistake Melissa’s aunt for her grandma at the wedding, before delivering vows that were truly a choice. Bryce’s vows started by saying, “It would be fair to say I’ve been travelling on a rocky road when it comes to love, but today feels like the day that I’ve hit smooth waters.” I don’t know if you’re driving or sailing, but it looks like that rocky road has sent your car into the sea! I’m praying for survivors!
His vows somehow got worse. “I promise to always be your loyal teammate, as we race through this crazy adventure together,” he actually said, “and we can get through to the final siren stronger than ever,” he actually concluded. If my husband put this many mixed metaphors into our vows, I would divorce him faster than a ball is sent through one of those hoops or between a couple of shiny white poles. Yes, I too, can pull off a sport’s analogy.
Another concerning comment Bryce said tonight was regarding ending his relationship, as he told Melissa: “It probably sounds really recent, but without sounding bad, I had checked out six or nine months before.” Umm, yep. That does sound bad. Bryce ended the night by telling his new bride, “I’ve never met someone where I thought ‘I could literally sit here and have a conversation with you all night'” Ugh, OK. My bet is that he’s used that line on every Tinder date he’s ever had.
Most likely to: Call all of his exes “crazy” or “psycho.”
Out of all the contestants married on tonight’s episode, we didn’t see much of Jake’s personality. Aside from learning he’s an ex-AFL player who started a mental health charity, all we know is that he seems nice enough, I guess?? Albeit, a little clueless. After meeting Rebecca at the altar, he said “I love Perth!” making her think he also lived in Perth, while in fact he resides in Victoria. Confusing!
Following the wedding, Jake said, “I think she’s into me, it’s hard to tell, how do you know?” Well, Jake it’s not a great sign that she barely spoke two words to you during your wedding. But also don’t take relationship advice from me, I haven’t dated since Lindsay Lohan was a judge on The Masked Singer.
The new couple did not vibe at the reception at all, but by the end of the night made some small strides. Jake told Rebecca, “I did get a sense that you were unsure at times. I could feel a wall up.” I also have a wall that I keep up when dating, and I call that wall Instagram’s block button.
Most likely to: Carry a footy in his hands for no inexplicable reason.
Rebecca truly knows how to put the ‘asshole’ in ‘sasshole’. Before the wedding, she admitted to her bridesmaids, “If I’m not feeling it, I’ll run.” She also revealed that she doesn’t know who Princess Diana is, and I’m much more offended by this revelation than anything else.
She did not appreciate Jake whistling at her as she approached him down the aisle, saying he looked at her like she was “sex on a stick” and a “piece of meat”. Sounds like a delicious appetiser to me. Rebecca read her vows to Jake like some soulless robot, afterwards she complained, “I didn’t feel what I thought I would, I didn’t feel a spark”. I wonder if maybe she just wasn’t plugged in. Rebecca clearly has high standards for men, as she later complained that she didn’t like that Jake bites his nail, wasn’t wearing a tie, his shirt was unbuttoned, and his teeth weren’t clean enough. Can’t relate. Tbh, I’d be impressed if my date was wearing shoes.
Rebecca has a great appreciation for exploring new destinations. When Jake tells her that he’d like to travel through the Red Centre, she grimaces, “Really? What makes you want to go to the desert?”. She says the word “desert” like it’s some kind of filthy devil word. Rebecca also thinks that the only place worth visiting in Japan is Osaka, I guess the rest of the country is some barren, joyless, uninhabited land. Tokyo, Nara, and Kyoto all found dead.
Later, while Jake is away she actually asks his family, “What makes him funny? Is he acting normal right now?” In return, they tell her they are worried she’s “hard work” or “high maintenance”. She is offended, and yes, this is the same person who just told a bunch of strangers that their family member is unfunny and abnormal. Rebecca is a real treat.
Most likely to: Complain to a waiter that her steak tartare is undercooked.
Alana is a teacher, who loves having deep conversations and is passionate about empowering women. But we didn’t find out any of this tonight, as all we saw of Alana was her telling Melissa the second she arrived that she seems “delicate”. This is a bonkers thing to say to anyone, let alone a stranger. What is Melissa, a pair of linen pants? A creepy porcelain doll? A thinly sliced light salad?
Most likely to: Leave a passive-aggressive note for her partner, written with excellent penmanship.
With olive skin and blonde hair, Sam look like he’s trying to be Michael from Season 6. Maybe he thinks that’s how he’ll find himself a Martha? I’ve seen worse strategies on this show. We didn’t find out much — well, anything — about Sam tonight but his bio says he is a construction worker, who is also trying to launch two fashion labels. He described himself as a confident, sarcastic, and outspoken person, who is looking for someone with “good family values”.
Most likely to: Serve us some real looks each dinner party.
For someone as interesting as Booka, I was shook by how little she was featured in the premiere. She’s a singer and keyboard player for metalcore band, Make Them Suffer, and according to her bio, her touring schedule takes her on the road for nine months of the year. This means Booka has been single since 2016. To think that someone with Booka’s talents and looks has been single for the past four years, makes me feel much better for my eternally single existence.
Most likely to: Wear mostly black and carry eyeliner in her handbag.
Belinda is my favourite contestant. She lives with her cat Benji, she has never had a boyfriend or been in a relationship, and has only been on three dates. But she ain’t no virgin, so we know that on those three dates, she DID NOT waste any time. Mad respect. When she’s not working as a door-to-door salesperson, she’s studying ballet. Belinda admits that she thinks she isn’t good enough for most men, based on her looks: “They don’t like my curly hair … guys tend to like tan skin and big boobs, which I’m not.” Awww Belinda, you (and your cat Benji) are STUNNING.
Most likely to: Tell people about her cat, like she’s speaking about her firstborn.
Russell Daniel Andrews
We see you. Daniel Andrews will stop at nothing to ensure that everyone is following the rules. He’s even infiltrated MAFS. A real power move.
Most likely to: Get on the beers.
Coco is bonkers. She will be a dominating character this season, so we better get used to her. She calls it like she sees it and has zero filter. This can work in her favour sometimes, tonight when Melissa told the group that she’s never been on a date, Coco yelled back, “Don’t worry, they’re shit!” which was a delightful icebreaker.
However, when Sam told the group that she got with her husband when she was 17 and he was 33, Coco wasn’t having a bar of it. “Mate, call the judge. I’m sorry, but that’s a bit red-hot isn’t it!” she said, before muffling into her microphone like she was some ’90s R&B singer speaking to security. “Can we get a check on that?”. While her point was valid, her delivery was unforgivably cruel.
She’s a loose canon. At one stage between making farm noises, she randomly goes, “Get that money honey” in reply to Booka saying she looks for her partner to have good banter. I don’t know why Coco said this. Later she simply said, “That’s showbiz baby! Give ’em the ol’ razzle dazzle!” to no one in particular.
Most likely to: Throw the first glass of red wine, and then claim it was somebody else.
Beth is an absolute gem! From what we saw of her tonight, she is on the show for the right reasons: she wants to meet a man, fall in love, and start a family. With both her brother and sister recently having kids, Beth admits she “just wants to be a mum”. During tonight’s drama, she helped mediate between Samantha and Coco, calming down the situation and showing she has maternal instincts. I love her! Adopt me, mummy!
Most likely to: Become the mother hen of the season.
James is rich! Very rich! This is all we know about James! Hey Coco, get that money honey!
Most likely to: Mention his $15k dollar watch in every conversation.
Joanne is Frankston through and through. A barber with three sons, we saw a glimpse of Joanne’s jealous personality tonight, as she said to Samantha that she was worried Coco was the type to try and steal other’s women’s husbands.
Most likely to: Insert herself into drama by pretending to play the mediator role.
I hope I don’t sound ridiculous, but I don’t know who this man is. Sorry to this man. We saw basically nothing from Cameron tonight but according to his bio he calls himself a “teddy bear” who is misunderstood as people write him off as a “meathead”, due to his tattoos and shaved head. I personally don’t know any kinds of meats that have tattoos.
Most likely to: Bring up how much he can bench press on dates.
Like Coco, I can see Samantha stirring up plenty of drama this season. The divorced single mum who describes herself as a “little bit of Aussie bogan” is a dominant person in group environments. After clashing with Coco, Samantha said in her voxxie that, “I think she feels like I’m the other alpha in the room and she’s probably going to come up against me…whatever she wants to serve to me, I will serve it back. So you know, bring on the tennis match.”
Sorry, we’re doing sport’s analogies again and I fell asleep.
While Samantha eventually got an apology out of Coco, she told her that while she can forgive she won’t forget. Samantha clearly lives for petty revenge and I’m about it!
Most likely to: Leak her ex’s DMs to the Daily Mail.
Patrick is the ‘Virgin Matthew’ of this season. He is a sweet and wholesome boy, who says that he will only have sex with someone who he loves. While we didn’t see heaps of Patrick tonight, I liked what we did see. He joked in his intro, “I don’t look like Brad Pitt, but I don’t look like Tony Abbott,” which was very funny and true! He doesn’t look like either of those men. In fact, he looks like every man who has followed me on Instagram, even after I unmatched them on Tinder.
But I would never unmatch Patrick, he seems delightful.
Most likely to: Keep a dream journal underneath his pillow.
Jason is hot. He reminds of every guy on Tinder who unmatched me after I took longer than six minutes to reply. While we saw literally nothing from Jason tonight, according to his bio he’s a larrikin who spends his weekends partying. This was the exact description of Josh last year and we all know how that ended up. I hope Cathy is doing well.
Most likely to: Think that a KFC Zinger Box is fine dining.
Be still my beating heart, Brett is this year’s dreamboat. He’s a sparky studying psychology and volunteers with the homeless. In his package he’s dressed as a tradie, but drinking coffee which means he’s also a hipster, and he’s walking around a library, so we know he has a working brain.
Brett admits that in relationships, he often “attracts vulnerable people” and that he wants to be matched with someone who is strong-minded and to become the Bonnie to his Clyde. He seems lovely, and says if his partner can make me laugh then that’s all that matters. Later, he says he knows he’s in love when he smells his girlfriend’s pillow after she leaves. I mean, this could sound extremely creepy, but coming from Brett it’s somehow sweet.
Most likely to: Receive a drunken DM from me this weekend.