Ranking Movie Santa’s Based On Who I Would Most Want To Climb My Chimney

Christmas is such a special time of the year. 

Everything is caked in sparkles and there’s a sense of joy in the air – except in shopping centres because it’s truly hell in there when it comes to Christmas – but overall, it’s an exciting time.

Christmas is arguably the biggest annual holiday, so, of course, there are heaps of movies made about the festive season. Some of them feature Father (Daddy) Christmas, aka Santa Claus, and as an avid Christmas movie watcher, I’ve always wondered, “hmmm, what if my partner was Santa Claus?” And if you really think about it, Santa Claus would make the perfect boyfriend. 

He would get you gifts, he loves milk and cookies, ANNND free flights worldwide on a private sleigh! 

Unfortunately, the depiction of Santa has been altered and changed via the movies, so only one can take a bite of this cookie, if you know what I mean. 

So without further ado, here are all the movie Santa’s ranked based on who I would want to climb my chimney the most: 

9. Bad Santa

Bad Santa was made well before the time when Hollywood was obsessed with bad characters, like Bad Neighbours and Bad Grandpa. 

In this movie, Santa (AKA Willie) gives me major Rick from Rick & Morty vibes, which is a turn-off. 

I will give him credit for having a heart of gold and attempting to do good within the movie, but there are animated Santa’s that could get it waaaaay before him. Sorry, mate.

8.The Polar Express 

The Polar Express was lowkey a horror movie for me. I watched it at a really young age, and the thought of a man picking you up in the middle of the night on a train without adults scared me. 

The graphics and animation also gave me uncanny valley vibes so, automatically, this Santa is unwanted on my chimney. If this was Santa in real life, I’m okay with receiving nothing for Xmas.

7. Arthur Christmas

In this movie, we’re introduced to a family of Santa’s and, to stay true to the list, we will be focusing on Malcolm Claus, who is the ‘supreme’ Santa of this timeline. 

Malcolm is super adorable, and he looks like he would make a great big spoon, but he’s definitely not boyfriend material. 

His son, Steve, on the other hand… MANS CAN GET IT. PERIOD.

6. Santa Clause franchise

Christmas hasn’t truly started until you binge-watched all the movies surrounding the Santa Clause universe!

In this film series, Tim Allen plays the role of the big, jolly fellow, and I think his performance gives more of a Father Christmas vibe rather than daddy. 

NGL, these movies are really awesome and wholesome, but they’re too wholesome to think of anything naughty about Santa. 

Also, watching Tim transform into Santa was quite scary, and it irks me that he literally killed Santa. 

5. Fatman

Look, I’m usually not a Mel Gibson kinda girl, but I love a bit of a cat and mouse chase.

If you’ve never heard of Fatman, the story follows a hitman who is hired by a kid to kill Santa after he received coal for Christmas. It’s super action-packed and it’s kinda hilarious how serious the tone of the movie is. 

The idea of a rugged Santa does sound sexy, but Fatman would be soo much better if Santa wasn’t played by Mel Gibson. 

4. Rise of The Guardians 

Okay, now we’re getting into some sexy Santa territory. Santa in the Rise Of The Guardians comes off as a gym bro who would probably break your spine if he patted you on the back. 

Although he’s kinda big and scary, he kinda reminds me of Massimo from 365 Days, but animated. 

I would not be surprised if there were fan fictions made about him on Wattpad.  

3. Christmas Chronicles

First off, why is this Santa soooo handsome? The costume department did not come to play with this Chrissy lewk! His hair is perfect, his beard, and his eyes. He’s absolutely beautiful. Like a beautiful Christmas lion.

I definitely feel like he would be the ideal sugar daddy, where the love is real and the gifts are just perks in the relo.

Would definitely let this Santa climb my chimney.

2. Jack Skellington from Nightmare Before Christmas

There’s just something about Jack that makes me wish he was real.

He’s super tall, has a beautiful voice, and he’s an emo icon. I also loved that he wanted to try something new and is open to challenges, which is perfect in a relationship.

If Jack was real and was my Santa, I would stay awake to give him a cheeky kiss under a mistletoe. 

1. The Grinch

Now, before you judge me, this is purely, PURELY, because of his personality… and maybe because green is a gorgeous colour.

The Grinch, if you really think about it, would be the best boyfriend ever! Look at the way he treated Martha May of Whoville. Instead of giving her a generic present, he fully built one for her. He even welded, just for her! 

He’s also super funny and has a lot of jokes up his sleeve that’ll have you cackling for ages. And you also won’t have to spend money on the council or plastic bags, cause he eats all the garbage.

Also, as Martha May said, “THE MUSCLES!” 

The Grinch would be the perf Chrissy BF, and you literally cannot change my mind.

This definitely has to be one of the more chaotic rankings we have ever done, but it needed to happen because having Santa as your man would be an absolute sleigh (see what I did there?). 

Maybe it’s time to get out there and get on that good list.