The TikTok Tarot Card Girlies Nearly Ruined My Life

Earlier this year, I gave up dating apps for a few months.

I needed a circuit breaker. I had been on and off them for years and I had dated around and I had learned a lot about myself, but I was suffering severe dating app fatigue. After another situationship ended, I just decided to go cold turkey on my dating app addiction and try to sit with my feelings. If you think that sounds miserable, don’t mistake me: it was!

What I learned during this time was how often I’d pick up my phone, ready to mindlessly swipe as though it was completely out of my control. It’s not like I wanted to, but it was so habitual that my brain kept forgetting I had deleted the apps.

So what do you do when you’re trying to kick an addiction? Pick up another one, of course!

I have had TikTok for a while but never been the most active user (minus one questionable life choice that saw me go viral). So in January, I found myself scrolling the app more and more, finally understanding why so many people around me lost so many hours per week to the short videos.

The longer I went without dating apps (I got Hinge back at some stage but have barely found the energy to open it), the more dopamine hits I collected from TikTok instead. I wasn’t active or into it enough to put all that much effort into my own videos, but I found new passions the deeper I delved in.

Whether it was hilarious 7th Heaven recaps, finding myself nestled comfortably in Elder Emo Tok, or becoming addicted to Indy Clinton’s mum-Tok, there was always something to stimulate me, make me laugh, or help me discover new music.

Then it happened: the tarot card TikTok girlies started infiltrating my feed.

Here’s the thing: I’m not against the odd psychic visit. I’ve had numerous tarot readings in my life when I’m feeling a bit bored or feel like I want a semblance of hope for the future. And I’d be lying if I wasn’t searching for an answer about dating and relationships. A psychologist can help me shed my baggage and work on myself; a psychic can give me some probably false hope about not dying alone.

The first time a TikTok Tarot girlie popped up in my feed was soon after my last situationship ended. “He wasn’t ready,” she said gravely. “But he also wasn’t The One.”

“That’s true,” I murmured back, one hand in a bag of chocolate almonds, ignoring my emails.

As I moved on from another failure in the romance world, the TikTok girlies promised me hope for the future.

“Oh my GOD,” one would scream at me from my phone. “This energy, it’s like, it’s insane, you know what I’m saying? Ooooft. Someone’s coming in, girl. We’ve got fire energy, we’ve got Leo, Sagittarius, Aries. I am hearing RIHANNA, I am hearing RIHANNA singing ‘Love on the Brain’, girl, you know what this means, YOU KNOW.”

“I know!” I said, my phone illuminating my face at 1am, my eyes dry and bloodshot. “I know!! I am a Leo too! I love Rihanna’s ‘Love on the Brain’! It’s a very good song!”

“If you’ve come across my page, this is a sign. I don’t do hashtags. Now think of the name of the person,” the tarot girlies would say. “The person. The one you can’t stop thinking about.” Then they’d shuffle their cards demonically, flicking out certain ones.

“Oooft, OK, here we go,” they’d stop, pressing their fingertips together, frowning at what had fallen in front of them. “You’re the Empress. Huge Empress energy. But the seven of pentacles has flipped in reverse. You know there’s a longterm reward with you and your person at the end of all this,” they’d say seriously.

“But your person, he’s got some work to do.  This is a divine, twin flame connection. Hmmm, let me see what else the angels are saying… this is right, but the timing is off. The timing is OFF.”

And the tarot girls would go back to shuffling, nodding at themselves, humming a little tune, before shrieking.

“I KNEW IT! I knew it! Obstacles,” they’d scream. “But the Emperor card has come through. This is twin flame energy, babes. There’s distance, maybe physical or emotional, but they’re going to text soon. They’re going to text! But it’ll take you walking away for them to figure out you’re the missing piece, OK? You can book in for a personalised reading for more.”

“That makes sense,” I’d mutter at my phone, the girlies feeding into all my delusions.

OK, hold up tarot girlies, what the f*ck are we actually talking about?

As I got more addicted to the TikTok tarot girlies telling me my soulmate was going to message me within 48-72 hours, I had to come crashing back down to earth eventually.

I thought of all the facts laid out in front of me, as though they were tarot cards themselves. I had to turn off my wistful imagination and think of the logic.

I am a single, 32-year-old woman, in an inner-city apartment, who doesn’t actually have a crush on anyone.

There I was, sitting there swiping through readings, thinking “wow, relatable” but the fact of the matter is, every time the tarot girlies told me to think of one name, to think of the person I wanted, I’d recycle anywhere between 5-7 different names in my head, dependent on who had taken my interest that day. An old Tinder match? Why not. A guy I met on a night out in a different city? Sure. My new, very attractive neighbour? Hope so!

It was then that I truly realised, I had replaced an actual way to meet men and date, with wide-eyed, grinning, always-for-some-reason-singing delusional TikTok girlies.

Breaking up with Tarot TikTok

Breakups are really hard. But most relationships have to run their course, and my relationship with the TikTok girlies was no different.

It was time to let go, move on, break the cycle, and rejig my algorithm.

So as the girlies popped up, I stopped watching and impatiently swiped through. I went back to stalking Indy Clinton and watching old My Chemical Romance videos.

My algorithm slowly shifted. I got more mum content (thanks Indy). I watched emotional proposal videos (not sure where they came from, but sure). I watched a fan dedication to Gerard Way and Frank Iero (just like 2006 MySpace days). A TikTok tarot girlie would pop up and I’d say “No! No more! You do not have power over me anymore!”

I watched the hilarious 7th Heaven recaps. I watched Noah Sebastian from Bad Omens sing the chorus of ‘Just Pretend’ and felt deep, emotional things again. I accidentally then watched a TikTok girlie tell me my man was giving me signs and always watching me. “Is it Noah Sebastian?” I asked my phone. “No, you fucking dumb bitch,” it replied.

Slowly, but surely, my algorithm shifted. The TikTok girls didn’t have the power to feed into my delusions anymore. I had loved, I had lost, but I was free.

And in case you’re wondering, yes, I’ve now gotten dating apps back.