The ‘Heartbreak High’ Characters, Ranked From ‘Eh’ To ‘Eetswa!’
Heartbreak High has been taking the world by storm, spending over two weeks in Netflix’s top 10 list.
And for me personally, I think it’s remarkable to see an Aussie TV show that revolves around Aussie teens get global praise. It makes me feel seen!
If you need a quick rundown on what the heck Heartbreak High is: the show follows the students of Hartley High as they confront diverse topics, ranging from relationships, sexual consent, and racism.
everyone go watch heartbreak high right now i need a season 2 pic.twitter.com/O4HUYLkpaL
— cami (@AM0ROMAR) October 3, 2022
Although the main plot follows Amerie and Harper’s friendship woes, the series also covers Quinni’s romance with Sasha, Darren and Ca$h’s love story, and Malakai’s traumatic experience as a victim of police brutality.
Heartbreak High features a plethora of actors from multicultural backgrounds including South-Asia, Nigeria, and South Africa. The main cast also features two First Nations actors Thomas Weatherall (Malakai) and Sherry-Lee Watson (Missy).
It is also important to acknowledge that the writer’s room featured BIPOC creatives, including First Nations writer Meyne Wyatt.
Like most teen dramedies, you’ll grow to love (or hate) the show’s characters, and some will even become your next crush…
And as a Punkee writer, I think it’s my duty to rank things. We’ve done Barbie movies, school lunches and so much more. So of course, we had to do a cheeky rank of our fave characters from Heartbreak High.
And just a heads up before you scroll any further: some of these character’s rankings must be justified by their actions in the show, resulting in spoilers, so MAJOR SPOILERS AHEAD!
We’ve ranked the Heartbreak High characters from eh to eetswa:
17. Chook
Chook: the lord of the eshays. Despite being incredibly cute (IMO he’s a pretty boy), he did some pretty ‘ucked stuff like kidnapping, robbing, and being physically violent. This eshay deserves to be ranked as Heartbreak High’s biggest gronk.
16. Spider
Just like a spider IRL, he needs to be squished. Spider reeks of toxic masculinity, and one scene of him in particular that really p’d me off was when he called Miss Obah a “femnazi.” He just never stops talking shit, even if someone is going through a massive rough patch in their personal life.
Every time Spider was on screen, I was instantly on my phone. Hartley High would be so much better if Spider was gone.
15. Sasha
If performative wokeism and slacktivism manifested into a human being, it would be Sasha. Mostly because of her treatment of Quinni, who is a character that is on the spectrum.
When Quinni revealed that she was autistic, Sasha’s reaction was just beyond tone-deaf. Instead of trying to understand what Quinni was saying, Sasha replied, “I’ve met autistic people and you’re like really emotionally intelligent.” Yikes.
Throughout the first season, we watched Sasha struggle to accept Quinni, and it’s in the episode titled ‘Angeline’ where she really doubles down on being the absolute worst. After inviting herself to a book signing that Quinni had been looking forward to for ages, Sasha completely belittles Quinni’s interests and makes it about herself.
On the bus home, Sasha told Quinni, “I always feel like I’m trying to do these things for you but what about me, huh? Do you ever think about me? Sometimes it’s hard being with you when I just wanna be a normal teenager.”
Quinni replied, “So I’m not normal enough for you,” and Sasha smugly said back “don’t pull the f*cking autism card on me right now.” She then went on to say that Quinni was “a lot” for her. That ordeal made me so angry that I just wanted to jump through that TV screen and defend Quinni.
Despite all of Sasha’s BS, I can admit that her outfits are a serve.
14. Ant
Honestly… who?
13. Dusty
Dusty is the textbook definition of a f*ckboy. Yes, he’s hot and in a band, but that doesn’t excuse his toxic behaviour. The way he played both Amerie and Harper — knowing they were best friends — really irritates me.
He also treated Harper like trash, especially after the threesome. I can’t even.
And ICYMI (and this is a massive spoiler), Dusty was the one who started the rumour that Miss Obah had sex with Amerie, and an allegation like that could’ve landed her in jail. It almost ruined her career AND you can see the mental impact it had on her.
This whole mess right here lands him at the bottom of the ranks. Dusty’s friend group, which includes Ant and Spider, are also super problematic in the way they discuss women.
12. Harper
I couldn’t staaand Harper. I’ll acknowledge that she has been through a lot: as the episodes pass on, you learn about her trauma and how that led to her erratic behaviour BUT this does not excuse her for royally shitting on Amerie.
Not only did she hook up with Amerie’s crush, she had a threesome with her crush and her boyfriend (sorta ex at the time) Malakai.
Harper, I’m so sorry for what you’ve been through, but how you treated Amerie? Not happy Jan!
11. Principal Woodsy
Principal Woodsy is kinda reminiscent of every principal I’ve ever had: they’re ride or die for their school. But I wasn’t here for her not supporting Miss Obah when she was accused of having sex with a student.
At least Principal Woodsy is funny, plus her dog named Joan Of Bark is stinkin’ adorable.
10. That one eshay that goes “chook is psycho”
Firstly, he’s at a ballroom event so ~slay~ and secondly, at least he checks up on Ca$h after he got decked by Chook. We love a supportive eshay that looks after his fellow adlays (pig latin for lads). HOWEVER, we must also hold him accountable for his involvement in what happened to Harper.
Pls random eshay, follow in Ca$h’s footsteps and be a guiding light of good eshays.
9. Dusty’s Dad
He’s up high on this list simply because he’s a major DILF.
8. Missy
Every moment Missy had with Malakai was golden and we give her props for helping Malakai during his darkest times. We’ll also give a quick praise to Missy’s brother Jai, who helped Malakai find his way back to country. Jai is also handsome AF!
It was very interesting to watch Missy and Malakai interact and I loved every moment they were together, however when she was with Sasha, she was quite toxic.
It was frustrating hearing her call Amerie a “hypocrite” after Amerie refused to talk to Harper when she boned her Dusty, who was Amerie’s longtime crush. But at least Missy called out Harper for her cursed threesome.
I’m hoping we get more of a Missy storyline next season, as well as more of her brother. PLEASE.
7. Miss Obah
Miss Obah, the English and SLTs teacher, has a heart of gold! Jojo is an absolute trooper for taking on the SLTs class and you can tell she genuinely wants to teach the students of Hartley High about safe and consensual sex.
She is the type of teacher that we wish we had in our high school years.
6. Amerie
Tbh, Amerie is one of the more relatable characters. Even with the whole school hating on her, she still pushed through and went on with life. Another thing that is admirable about Amerie is the fact that she went to go check on Harper even after her former BFF punched her in the face. Her horny moments are actually quite funny as well.
5. Darren
Darren is that bitch! Their one-liners, attitude and fashion — it’s just everything. Although Darren has become a standout favourite for some viewers, one downside to their character is definitely their bitchiness, like the moment they called Amerie a “toxic bitch in her flop era”. Although it was funny, it was still quite mean.
One of their shittier moments was when they projected their insecurities on to Ca$h when our fave eshay wasn’t ready to have sex.
But after all that was resolved, Ca$h and Darren had the best love story in the end. Darren also brought a lot of the entertainment to Heartbreak High, I mean the “bayang” song was iconic!
@imurgency they kinda ate that tho #fypシ #SephoraConcealers #DrPepperTuitionContest #heartbreakhigh #heartbreakhighreboot #heartbreakhigh2022 #darren ♬ original sound – rumi
Besides supplying Heartbreak High’s entertainment, Darren is the best of best friends. Their relationship with Quinni is amazing and the way they treat her is the way Sasha should have treated her. Darren is understanding of Quinni, as well as protective of her, and all around they both support each other. I just wanna be friends with both Quinni and Darren.
Darren also adopted Amerie into their friend group when she was at her lowest — and he fixed her bayaaangs!
Darren’s scenes were the most fun of the series, especially the ballroom scene. An absolute slay and we love them!
4. Ca$h
Ca$h, our resident eshay, is probably one of the best characters on a Netflix show… ever. He challenges the stereotype that eshays are raging with toxic masculinity, and he is also queer.
One of the best things that Ca$h did in the show was helping free Harper when she was kidnapped by his eshay squad. Ca$h’s relationship with his nan is also super wholesome to watch, because who doesn’t love a sweet nanny’s boy.
And of course, his relationship with Darren is the eshay love story we’ve all been waiting for.
3. Malakai
The dream boy!!! Malakai is honestly the hottest guy out of the whole cast, and that’s not just based on his looks. He has a complete heart of gold and we love the way he gave Amerie a chance after she just got shat on by the entire school.
Watching him be targeted and victimised by the police was painful to witness and the way it impacted his life afterwards was heartbreaking. We love that he was able to find peace in the bush with Jai, and we’re hoping for more Malakai moments in Season 2.
Malakai is so frkn gorgeous and even without his looks, he’d still top the list (and me).
2. Quinni
Quinni is the sweetest character ever and we must protect her at all costs!!!
Even when some students of Hartley High are down on their luck, Quinni always finds the best in them, even in… Sasha, ugh.
Her obsession with Angeline, a character from a fictional book within Heartbreak High is also perfection, because who doesn’t love a nerdy character and the cosplay? Slay.
Quinni is also one of the best dressed characters on the show, alongside Darren, Amerie, and unfortunately Sasha.
1. Ca$h’s Nan
She’s sassy. She’s fashionable. She’s an absolute queen. Nan’s wittiness and sarcastic remarks really give Heartbreak High the humour it needs.
Her relationship with her grandson, Ca$h, is extremely wholesome and her interactions with Darren are so sweet. The best part is watching her handle the police in the final episode, giving them the finger as soon as they turned their backs.
Ca$h’s nan is absolutely eets and she deserves her own episode and/or series.
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Heartbreak High can be streamed on Netflix.