The Absolute Worst Things That Have Happened To Penises On Reality TV
Is this the year of the injured penis? Mere months ago we had Prince Harry describe his frostbitten “todger” (I’m still not okay with him calling it that), and it collectively horrified people all around the globe.
For some reason, Harry explained that he used the same Elizabeth Arden cream on his penis, that his mum Princess Diana had used… and it made him feel like she was in the room with him. Yes. While he was nursing his injured penis.
Anyway, this month, a Naked and Afraid contestant found himself in a prickly situation, when he found ticks had burrowed into his penis. Of course, it got the Punkee team wondering… just how many strange penis incidents have happened during reality TV shows?
So, I put on my Very Important Journalist hat, and got to work. Here goes – from ticks stuck to a dick, to a vampire fish that swam up a man’s urethra… prepare to be amazed, disgusted and stunned, all at once.
Seven of the most ridiculous penis injuries that have taken place on reality TV.
1. Naked and Afraid: Castaways – Ticks on a dick.
Look, it’s going to come as no surprise to anyone that Naked and Afraid is going to feature a few times on this list, because the entire premise is simple: contestants are literally naked in the middle of nowhere while trying to survive for 21 days. Think of all those vulnerable penises!
Andrew Shayde had an unfortunate surprise when he woke up with five ticks attached to his penis. “Last night was a full assault,” he told his fellow castaways, after getting rid of the ticks. “It was terrible.”
— Naked and Afraid (@NakedAndAfraid) August 5, 2023
I felt extremely sympathetic towards Andrew when I first discovered his penis mishap, but that vanished completely when I found out he’d been through a pretty similar situ on a previous Naked and Afraid series.
In 2021, Andrew had multiple “butt ticks” that were lodged inside him, and left him with infected tick bites. In the end, he had to tap out because he was at risk of getting a bacterial infection called MRSA, which can wreak havoc on your organs if it enters your bloodstream.
Yep, I’ve come to the conclusion he defs deserves his lil dick ticks.
2. Jackass – Johnny Knoxville’s torn penis.
Jackass is known for its stupid, painful and insane stunts. The TV and film franchise basically revolves around a group of friends trying to hurt themselves, and yes, genitalia has been featured a few times. Steve-O stapled his balls to his leg, Ehren McGhehey (also known as ‘Danger’ Ehren) ruptured his testicle after being hit by a pogo stick, and Johnny Knoxville tore his penis while riding a motorcycle.
Since it’s all self-inflicted, I’m gonna say they absolutely deserve everything they’ve been through.
In 2007, Johnny attempted to do a flip on a motorcycle while trying to pay tribute to the stunt professional Evel Knievel. He had a few goes, none of which worked, until finally, the motorbike landed straight onto his crotch.
“I feel fine, it just felt like I was pissing my pants, but I’ve realised it’s blood, and I’m afraid to really look,” Johnny said at the time. The next day, he told Vanity Fair that his penis looked like “a dog’s chew-toy”, or a “sock that’s lost its elasticity”.
Travis Pastrana summed up the entire stunt, saying: “For a man that can’t ride a motorcycle, he went big. Kept getting up, kept trying again, even when everyone else was going, ‘Dude, I don’t think it’s gonna work’, he said, ‘I can do it’. Now his dick’s bleeding.”
3. Naked and Afraid – A slightly roasted penis.
Contestant Sam Mouzer actually burnt the tip of his penis on hot coals while filming Naked and Afraid in February 2023. In a clip shared by TMZ, the contestant explained how he ended up screaming in pain on the show.
“Last night we stayed very close to the fire, and we’d been peppered by hot coals… one of the said coals has landed on my – uh – my little soldier’s helmet,” he said.
The show’s medic team quickly rushed to his aid and helped keep his penis from becoming infected, and Sam managed to last the full 21 days in the wild. It didn’t get infected, and everything is now back in working order, though he did come away with a small scar, which he refers to as his Naked and Afraid tattoo. I don’t know how to feel about this.
4. Bachelor in Paradise – A ‘sexy’ accident.
While nothing happened to Jake Ellis’ penis while he was on Bachelor in Paradise, it’s where he met Megan Marx, who helped cause his unfortunate accident. So how does sex lead to a fractured penis? Settle in, because it’s not pretty.
“One night we were in Perth, we’d had a pretty big night, we were drunk and in [Bachelor in Paradise star] Brett Moore’s bathroom and very in the moment,” Jake told Now to Love.
“Then there was a snap!” exclaimed Megan. Yikes.
Jake continued, saying: “It was the most excruciating thing I’ve ever been through in my life. Immediately I knew I’d done some damage to myself, and told Megan I needed to go to the hospital straight away. I was very swollen!”
The reality star ended up needing surgery, stitches and had to let his dick heal for six weeks. There’s nothing sexy about this accident, at all.
5. Naked and Afraid: XL – A sliced scrotum.
If you weren’t on the same page as me about how dangerous Naked and Afraid is for the vulnerable penises in the world, let me convince you one last time. Meet E.J., who was climbing a tree branch when he fell into a swamp.
It wasn’t pretty, and the contestant basically sliced up his scrotum during his fall. Producers gave E.J the option to tap out so he could get stitched up, or stay in the game and get stitched up by a medic. I have to point out that E.J. was told there was a big risk of infection, which could lead to a loss of his junk, or HIS LIFE. He, of course, chose to stay in the game, and he was kinda praised as a hero by fellow contestants.
“I almost chopped my balls off yesterday,” E.J. told contestants Max and Gary, before lifting up his lil loincloth. Instead of being horrified, disgusted, confused, or literally any other feeling, Gary was in awe of E.J.’s injury.
“The guy [is] out here and he’s busted his balls wide open and he stayed out here,” Gary said. “I mean, this is the type of man he is, this is the type of survivalist he is. And I am honoured and privileged to be out here with E.J.”
Honoured and privileged would not be the words I’d use to describe this situ, but go off Gary, I guess.
6. River Monsters – A vampire fish.
If you haven’t heard of the parasitic candiru fish before, let me apologise in advance, because this next penis incident will haunt your dreams. It’s known as the toothpick fish or vampire fish, because it enjoys snacking on the blood of other fish, but for some reason, also really loves urine. Can you see where I’m going with this?
The fish is native to the Amazon, and according to a few myths floating around, it loves nothing more than to swim up your urethra or penis if it detects any urine. That’s not the worst part.
When it gets inside your most intimate parts, it opens up its spines, meaning you can’t pull it out easily. There’s not a huge amount of documented cases (thank god), but River Monsters tracked down a man who had one of these critters swim up inside his urethra.
Host Jeremy Wade explained the story, telling viewers: “While he was relieving himself, suddenly he had a bit of a shock, and the first thing he knew was that the fish was already, inside [his penis], just the end of the tail was out.” According to the show, the man had to have a two-hour surgery to remove the fish. That’s gonna be a no from me.
The X Factor – A reality ripper.
This penis problem didn’t happen on reality TV, but it was caused by the X Factor, of all shows. So here’s a PSA for all you reality TV lovers… maybe avoid having sex while watching TV?
A couple’s intimate moment turned into sheer horror, after X Factor lover Emma Pearce accidentally ripped part of it off. Yes, you read that right. She RIPPED HIS PENIS.
Talking to UK’s That’s Life, Emma said her fiancé Allan wanted to have sex, and she agreed as long as she could still watch her fave show in the background. When the X Factor winner was announced, she shoved Allan off her and ripped his frenulum, which connects the foreskin to the shaft.
“Next thing I knew, there was blood everywhere,” she said. Allan was immediately in pain, holding his penis while yelling, “I’ve torn my banjo!”
According to Emma, this entire penis debacle wasn’t her fault at all. She believes that it’s the X Factor’s fault for “being so fixating”.
I can’t believe how many reality TV penis incidents there have been, and I’m so sorry to inform you that I expect there will be more. Especially from Naked and Afraid.
Image credits: MTV, Jackass, Discovery, Naked and Afraid, Instagram/@jakeellis86, Instagram/@lowesfood